The Day I Sold President George H.W. Bush Two Chocolate Crunch Bars

When I was in college, I sold two chocolate crunch bars to President George H. W. Bush when he was running in the Republican primary against Ronald Reagan. My class was having a candy sale to raise money and one of the young Republicans who lived in the dorm had arranged a field trip to a campaign event in his home state of New Hampshire. I figured here was a mark who couldn’t say no.

My young Republican friend was proud of the fact that he had been with Bush since the beginning. In fact, he had a pin that indicated that he was part of the three percent club. He had been with Bush since he was at three percent in the polls. This didn’t impress me. It just indicated that his father worked for the Company.

As Bush entered the hall I approached him. He was surrounded by six men in black. I said, “Mr. Bush, my class is having a candy sale to raise money. Would you like to buy a chocolate crunch bar?”

He said, “Get me on the way out, Kid.”

This was not a Frank Capra movie from the 1930s and yet he called me “Kid.” This did not bode well for his campaign.

I’m sure he made some speech that I wasn’t very interested in and then he made the mistake of leaving the way he came in and I was waiting for him. No doubt after this day a new security protocol was implemented to anticipate the need for at least one alternative exit, but on this day the old 1930s brush off just didn’t work. As Mr. Bush approached I called out to him again: “Hey Mr. Bush, remember me? I’m the Kid whose class is having a candy sale. Would you like to buy a chocolate crunch bar?”

And he said, “How much is the chocolate crunch bar?”

I said, “Fifty cents.”

And he said, “I’ll take two.”

Six Secret Service guys whipped out one dollar bills from I’m not sure where. There were six one dollar bills outstretched to me. I made a note to only sell to people with Secret Service details in the future.

I should have snatched the six dollars, but before I could, Bush said, “No, I’ll buy it.” The Secret Service put away their money. It disappeared just as mysteriously as it had appeared. I lost six other sales.

When Bush opened his wallet he had three one dollar bills. He gave me one. I gave him two chocolate crunch bars. He said, “That’s the first vote I ever had to buy.”

And the beauty is I never voted for him.

It’s like one of my other friends said to a guy from Harvard when we were at the bar who asked us, “Do you support Bush?”

My friend said, “We support whatever’s in the cooler.”
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Sources Release Me From Confidentiality Agreements

The good news is that my sources have freed me up to talk about anything we might have talked about. The bad news is that none of my sources talked about anything of interest to Special Counsel Patrick J. Fitzgerald.

In written statements provided to me from documents I provided them with, providing my lawyer approved the provisions of the provided documents, I was released from any agreement of confidentiality I may have previously implied before things were said which shouldn’t have been said that I did not hear.

Even so, I have agreed to give sworn testimony in a deposition, although no one has requested that I do so. Amendment I to the Constitution of the United States of America provides that “Congress shall make no law…abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press…” It makes no similar provision to make no law abridging the investigation of a federal prosecutor.

While my sources have released me to disclose anything they may have said, they have not released me to disclose that they may have said anything. The conversations I may or may not have had, although I have no specific recollection that I may or may not have had them, were general in nature in that my sources generally try to get me to say things they want to say but don’t want to be caught saying. My sources tell me I’m lucky what they told me is true. A lot of the time they just make things up. These things they make up are not lies, they tell me, but they’re not the truth either.

None of my sources at any time ever said anything about former Ambassador Joe Wilson or his wife, herein after referred to as Joe Wilson’s wife. Valerie Plame’s profession as a CIA operative was never proffered in connection to any story I may or may not have been writing or as a part of any deep background investigation. Still, that’s no reason not to depose me. I was not aware of the identity of Ms. Plame, or her connection to the CIA, until it was first reported on some TV station reporting on what Robert Novak had reported. Some of my sources were watching TV with me at the time, although they have not freed me to talk about that.