Showing posts with label parody. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parody. Show all posts
Monday, October 09, 2017
Tuesday, June 27, 2017
Wednesday, November 02, 2016
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
The Rise of Anthony Weiner AKA "Carlos Danger," Man
I would like to thank #AnthonyWeiner for making an old bit current again! #CarlosDanger
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Wednesday, September 09, 2015
Monday, June 16, 2014
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Trippitorial - James Tripp for Pope!
Hello, I’m James Tripp, and I want to be your next Pope.
You know, my parents tried to make me Catholic, so I know
what a stupid religion it is. Who better to lead it?
Now, it’s true I haven’t been to church in years. The last
time I was in church, a priest tried to beat a confession out of me. That’s no
reason why I shouldn’t be your leader.
I guess what I’m saying is: Give up everything you have and
follow me. If you don’t have anything, then follow somebody else.
I’d make a great Pope. Why, some of my best friends think
they’re Jesus.
I was born again. Now my mother really hates me. She thought
it was painful the first time.
My philosophy is a variation of the Christian ideal. I
believe that if a man slaps you on your cheek, you should place a revolver at
the base of his skull and a blow a hole the size of a grapefruit through his
cheek.
My philosophy is a synthesis of Muslim fundamentalism and Ricky
Ricardoism. I believe in an eye for an aye-yi-yi-yi-yi!
I never understood why the Catholic Church was against
abortion. The whole premise of the religion is a God killing his own kid. Whether
God kills his only son in utero or when he’s 33 is just splitting hairs, or
sons, or the hair on his son. Either way, if you’re the son of this God, you’re
not gonna be buying any Father’s Day presents.
This God got his start abusing children. A guy named Abraham was about to kill his
son, Isaac. He had the knife over the kid’s head. Then he regained his
composure and he didn’t kill him. But it turned out that his wife, Sarah, had
seen him and she asked, "What were you doing with a knife over our son’s
head?"
And thinking fast, Abraham
said, "God told me to do it."
And she said, "God
told you to do it?"
And then he said,
"But then God told me not to do it."
And she said, "Praise
the Lord!" and a God was born, the God of three major religions, all of
which hate each other.
What would a Tripp “Popacy” mean? I pledge to make the rich
do their fair share of penance! When the top one percent are doing most of the
sinning, why shouldn’t they do a little more penance?
What does that mean for the average sinner? When you go to
confession, you won’t have to do as many “Hail Marys” and “Our Fathers,” or
pretend that’s what you’re doing. I’ll be honest with you. I never did the
penance when I went to confession. I just acted like I was praying. That way, I
had something for the next time I went to confession.
Under the current “Popacy,” you might get ten “Hail Marys”,
three “Our Fathers,” and a rosary. Under a Tripp “Popacy,” you’ll get, maybe,
three “Hail Marys,” one “Our Father,” and what’s a rosary?
Also I will bring back indulgences, with a special deal for
bankers and their politicians. You will be able to pay for these indulgences
over time with reasonable adjustable rates.
What price would you put on your soul? Twenty-eight-fifty.
Sinners will be able to pay either the principal amount or a
minimum monthly balance.
Also, if I’m Pope, no more church on Sunday. Why do you go
to church? To listen to somebody like you tell you what to do with your life?
What does a priest know that you don’t know? Grow up.
Also, I’m gonna start selling some church real estate. And I
think it’s kind of weird that the church has its own country, and the Swiss Guard
are protecting it. I don’t remember much about this Jesus character’s spiel,
but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t about an earthly kingdom.
I guess what I’m saying is if you put me in charge of this
church, I will dismantle it, and isn’t that really what we should want in the
next Pope?
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Friday, January 25, 2013
Monday, January 21, 2013
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Saturday, November 03, 2012
Friday, October 05, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Trippitorial - "Doping"
Recently I have been accused by the Olympic committee of using
performance enhancing drugs to write my Trippitorials. I would like to categorically
deny this. I don’t think the drugs I’m taking are enhancing anything.
No doctor who has seen my act has ever thought there was a drug that
could help it. If there was, believe me, I’d be on it. I wish there were drugs
that could help me write, or even to understand the things that I’ve written.
I once wrote a joke tripping on acid: “As a child I wanted to be a commercial
pilot. As I grew older, I realized, where am I gonna go in thirty seconds?”
A lot of writers do drugs. President Thomas Jefferson used to grow and smoke marijuana. Unalienable rights
are something you think about when you’re high, even if you own slaves. It’s
like he told Congress, “While I did once experiment with drugs, I never
exhaled.”
This is not the first time I’ve been accused of being a dope…doping. When
I was in school, a drug test was the only test I could pass.
As a child I had a drug problem. I was addicted to Flintstone chewable
vitamins. I had to check myself into the Betty
Rubble Center. I wish I was on drugs when I wrote that. Vitamins are a
gateway drug.
And remember, the Constitution was written on hemp, but that’s no reason to burn it.
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Friday, July 13, 2012
Wednesday, July 04, 2012
Tuesday, June 05, 2012
Friday, June 01, 2012
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