James Tripp - "The Inauguration"

Live at "Comedy Nation at the Cafe Muse" in Los Angeles, CA. Recorded January 21, 2009. © by James Tripp

Bush Revels in Ignorance from Stern to Stem Cell

This guy is an idiot. He is deliberately ignorant. He appeals to the lowest common denominator. He stole two elections. He is the worst President in the history of the United States. Wait…This is supposed to be funny…This guy is a Jack Ass! Wait…He’s a war criminal…Settle down. He likes to read the constitution with a black highlighter. He can’t even read. “Reading is the work of the devil!” If he were in the Garden of Eden we would all be naked. “Don’t bite into that apple!” He would leave it for the worms. Bush wants to be the Education President, as long as people aren’t educated about him. I hope he gets some disease that stem cell research might have helped cure. I better stop now.

King George's Holiday Reading List

1. Fun with Dick and Karl.
2. Curious George in Iraq
3. I Saw It All on Downing Street
4. Where the Wild Terrorists Are
5. Scott McClellan and His Steam Shovel
6. The White House has Pooh in the Corner
7. One State Two State Red State Blue State
8. Green Eggs and Pork
9. My Senator and Me: A Dogs-Eye View of Washington D.C.

Saddam Claims “Bad Touching”

Before his trial adjourned until January 24, Saddam Hussein charged that his American captors "were mean to me." The former dictator said that the Americans had taunted and touched him in “unnatural” ways.

When asked how he had been taunted, Hussein responded that the Americans would not tell him where Mecca was. “Every time I asked them where Mecca was, they would point in a different direction,” he said. “Five times a day I would ask them so I could face the Holy city while I prayed, and five times a day they would point in a different direction.”

The judge then gave Hussein a doll and instructed him to show the court where the Americans had touched him. Hussein repeatedly pointed to an area labeled, 'No Fly Zone.'

“They touched me here, here and one time here,” he said.

When asked if it was good touching or bad touching, Hussein said, “It was bad touching.”

The Bush administration denied any mistreatment of Hussein, but they did concede that Bush is a little touched himself.

In the Fatherland

“It's a delight to be back in Berlin…de challenges dat ve face in de new var…are …challenges dat challenge us to make certain dat ve are doing all dat ve can to protect our populations from de dreats of dose who vould vantonly kill innocents…Ve vill do everydink dat ve can to cooperate mit likeminded intelligence services because ve need to remember dat dis is essentially a var in vhich intelligence is absolutely key to success…

“It is also important…dat any debate have a healdy respect for de challenge dat ve face vhen ve face an enemy dat operates from mitin our societies…

“De United States does not condone torture…Ve act…mitin our own U.S. laws.”

Ve have vays of making you believe us.

American Public Pardons White House Turkeys

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, the American Public today pardoned Marshmallow and Yam for lying to them since September 11, 2001 and for usurping the democratic process to seize power.

“They came to office through deceit and guile,” said one citizen. “But come on, stop lying, stop making money for your friends and get the boys home.”

“In a democracy, everyone gets the leadership they deserve,” said another unconcerned American, “but this is ridiculous.”

“I like dark meat,” said a passerby on Pennsylvania Avenue, “but these birds are a little gamey.”

When asked if it was prudent to pardon a couple of turkeys who led us into war with forged intelligence, a spokesman for the people said, “I don’t think the President was operating from bad intelligence. I think he was operating from no intelligence.”