Trippitorial - Privacy and the N.S.A.

I started following the N.S.A. on Twitter. Now they’re following me! I’m glad the N.S.A. is spying on everyone…just in case I lose my car keys, maybe they’ll know where to find them. If it wasn't for the N.S.A., no one would be reading my blog.

Privacy is for the guilty. It’s for the instigators. If you’ve got nothing to hide, you won’t mind the government feeling up your girlfriend. And your girlfriend won’t mind the government feeling her up. By the way, has anybody checked your balls lately?

This is America. Love it---and when you do, use a rubber, because it has a disease. If America were to be psychoanalyzed, I think you’d find it has a military industrial complex, caused by too much love for the mother, and a hatred for the father.

I don’t need privacy. I need a hi-def camera for the next time I jerk off! Privacy is for privates. You want to be an enlisted man?

I love the N.S.A. I just think they ought to pay my internet bill.

Privacy is for the old. I’m young. Young people don’t care about privacy. Young people are sexting each other pictures of their private parts! A lot of parts aren’t even private anymore! Some parts get favorited. Some parts get retweeted. Some parts get their own web series.

Nobody wants privacy. They want followers! Everybody has a website. Everybody’s on twitter and facebook and linked in and vine and instagram and pinterest and YouTube and up my ass! You don’t need the N.S.A. to take away your privacy. You’re taking it away yourself! I’m being poked by grown men on facebook, and I’m not too sure what that means, but I don’t like it.

I’m leaving an internet trail that Hansel and Gretel could follow home, especially if they did a search on Google. Every time I look at a website, Google has an ad for it on the next website. They know where I’ve been. I can’t wait until they know where I’m going, because I don’t.

 Privacy is for the weak. I got nothing to hide, and I hope nobody finds out!

I’m just glad this is being recorded right now. It saves the government the trouble.

You’re better off without privacy. There’s less bullshit. Most people spend their lives trying to cover up all the fucked up things about themselves. They’ll be a lot better off when there’s nothing covered that hasn’t been uncovered by a government agency!

I’m James Tripp, and that’s what you can do with your privacy!

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I Love the N.S.A.!

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A Recipe for the N.S.A.

It seems those chaps at the N.S.A. have been up to it again. They’ve been monitoring international e-mails, and while I’m no security risk, I’m afraid my security has been breached!

You see, I have been corresponding internationally. I recently discovered that I have some kind of a distant relative who was a Master Chef in Nigeria. Apparently he left behind a jolly good recipe for yellow cake. It just so happens that a solicitor living in Nigeria was able to get a hold of my e-mail address and he contacted me post haste. He informed me that on passing, Chef Ebenezer Montgomery Tripp left explicit instructions with him to bequeath this old Tripp family recipe to me! I didn’t even know I had a relative who was a Chef, let alone a Nigerian!

The only thing was that he needed money to facilitate the exchange of this transaction. And while I hesitated at first, after a series of e-mails, the solicitor, whose initials were D.C., convinced me to wire him the money to expedite the transaction. He assured me that a certain family of bakers in Iraq would offer me three times what I was paying him.

That was three weeks ago and I still haven’t received the documentation. Has the N.S.A. intercepted it? What if they get this recipe and give it away before I have a chance to sell it? What if they intercept it and forward me a forged recipe? A lot of people say that could never happen, but you’d be surprised. What if they leave the cake out in the rain? I may never have that recipe again!