Showing posts with label humorist. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humorist. Show all posts

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Trippitorial - Privacy and the N.S.A.

I started following the N.S.A. on Twitter. Now they’re following me! I’m glad the N.S.A. is spying on everyone…just in case I lose my car keys, maybe they’ll know where to find them. If it wasn't for the N.S.A., no one would be reading my blog.

Privacy is for the guilty. It’s for the instigators. If you’ve got nothing to hide, you won’t mind the government feeling up your girlfriend. And your girlfriend won’t mind the government feeling her up. By the way, has anybody checked your balls lately?

This is America. Love it---and when you do, use a rubber, because it has a disease. If America were to be psychoanalyzed, I think you’d find it has a military industrial complex, caused by too much love for the mother, and a hatred for the father.

I don’t need privacy. I need a hi-def camera for the next time I jerk off! Privacy is for privates. You want to be an enlisted man?

I love the N.S.A. I just think they ought to pay my internet bill.

Privacy is for the old. I’m young. Young people don’t care about privacy. Young people are sexting each other pictures of their private parts! A lot of parts aren’t even private anymore! Some parts get favorited. Some parts get retweeted. Some parts get their own web series.

Nobody wants privacy. They want followers! Everybody has a website. Everybody’s on twitter and facebook and linked in and vine and instagram and pinterest and YouTube and up my ass! You don’t need the N.S.A. to take away your privacy. You’re taking it away yourself! I’m being poked by grown men on facebook, and I’m not too sure what that means, but I don’t like it.

I’m leaving an internet trail that Hansel and Gretel could follow home, especially if they did a search on Google. Every time I look at a website, Google has an ad for it on the next website. They know where I’ve been. I can’t wait until they know where I’m going, because I don’t.

 Privacy is for the weak. I got nothing to hide, and I hope nobody finds out!

I’m just glad this is being recorded right now. It saves the government the trouble.

You’re better off without privacy. There’s less bullshit. Most people spend their lives trying to cover up all the fucked up things about themselves. They’ll be a lot better off when there’s nothing covered that hasn’t been uncovered by a government agency!

I’m James Tripp, and that’s what you can do with your privacy!

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Sunday, August 26, 2012

Trippitorial - "Legitimate Republicans"

 
As Republicans gather like storm clouds over Miami to outline a plan to dismantle the social safety net, it’s important to point out that the Republican Party has been taken over by the Christian right and other fundamentalist fringe elements.

This is not the party of Lincoln or Goldwater or Reagan or even Nixon.  I think if Richard Nixon where here today, he might say, “I am not a ghost.”

I miss the Republican Party of Richard Nixon when there wasn’t a problem that couldn’t be fixed by a couple of Cubans.

Richard Nixon used to answer reporters’ questions, even if the answer was, “Fuck you!” Whenever a reporter asks Mitt Romney a legitimate question, his brain has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. Richard Nixon…Now more than ever.

Republicans opinion of women seems to be based on a religious fundamentalist belief in the subjugation of women, whose main purpose in life should be to reproduce whether they like it or not. And they’d really prefer to have sons. And don’t forget to cook dinner.

It’s the party of white men who like their white women where they belong.

This is not your father’s Republican Party. This is the Koch brothers Republican Party.
When Abraham Lincoln said, “You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time,” I don’t think he meant it as a challenge.

I’ll be tweeting the Republican convention @thejamestripp.

Also, my novel, the Hierophant is now in paperback and on Kindle and is available at Amazon.com and other online booksellers. It’s a good book. You could start a religion with this book. Of course, it’s not one I’d follow.


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Friday, June 29, 2012

Trippitorial - "The Supreme Corporation"




Citing its own 2010 Citizens United ruling as precedent, the Supreme Court struck down a century old Montana state campaign finance law that limits corporate political spending. The court stated, "Political speech does not lose first amendment protection simply because its source is a corporation."

That’s why from now on I will no longer be known as James Tripp. I will be known as James Tripp, Inc. I am incorporating to avoid federal election spending limits and for the limited liability because I’m liable to do anything. Was’t Hamlet wronged Laertes? Never Hamlet. Twas Hamlet’s corporation.

When corporations incorporate, they do it to limit their liability. So when people form a corporation, they do it because they know they’re going to do something they don’t want to be liable for.

Corporations are artificial creations whose sole purpose is to increase profit.  For them to have a profit, somebody else has to have a loss, in this case, real people.

If corporations are people, let them walk my dog and pick up his shit. Of course, I don’t have a dog, but that’s not important to the point I’m trying to make. “Down, boy.”

People are not corporations. Sure, anybody can put an Inc. On their name, but a corporation is so much more than an individual. For example: an individual would not think to patent his own DNA, but a corporation would. As a matter of fact I don’t own the licensing on several of my chromosomes, which can sometimes be a problem.

Why, some of my best friends are incorporated. The fed, Citibank, the Republican Party…I wouldn’t want my sister to marry one.

Corporate spending makes voting obsolete. Now if we could just make corporations obsolete by voting.

Over the years, the court’s become more diverse. There’s an African American, women and a Latina on the bench. Isn’t it about time the president appoints a corporation to the Supreme Court? I think there may be one on there already.

America is not a corporation or a Democracy or a Republic. I don’t know what it is, but I owe it taxes.

This is James Tripp, inc., a Delaware corporation, and I’ll be back with another Trippitorial.

Buy The Hierophant:

Friday, June 08, 2012

Trippitorial - "Royalty"


As people were celebrating the sixtieth anniversary jubilee of the queen of England, you might have been wondering, “Why does England still have a Queen?”---especially since Freddy Mercury died. And why are peasants so mesmerized by their oppressors? Because they’re stupid peasants, but that’s not really the point I’m trying to make. Stupid peasant Royalists.

And who paid for that party? The taxpayers? “Yea! We’ve been oppressed for sixty years!” Listen, you don’t have to put these assholes up against a wall, but get them off the public dole. You can tell kings and queens are assholes, because they wear crowns. I don’t even own a hat.

Saudi Arabia has a king, Jordan has a king. Monaco is still fucked up. Royalty is what happens when cousins marry. That’s how the royal line stays pure. “God save our incestry…”

You know why royalty has existed for so long? Because there were no super Pac’s until now. Now that there are super Pac’s, I will be able to defeat any monarch in their own kingdom. The only question I have to answer is, “Which kingdom do I want?” Actually, there is a second question: does anyone have Sheldon Adelson’s phone number?

It’s time to put an end to monarchies, or to make me your King, although I prefer the title, “Emperor.” I’m James Tripp and I’ll be back next week with another Trippitorial.


Buy The Hierophant: