Hello, I'm James Tripp

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Actor Vs. Comedians

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I Love the N.S.A.!

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The Second Coming

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Trippitorial - James Tripp for Pope!

Hello, I’m James Tripp, and I want to be your next Pope.

You know, my parents tried to make me Catholic, so I know what a stupid religion it is. Who better to lead it?

Now, it’s true I haven’t been to church in years. The last time I was in church, a priest tried to beat a confession out of me. That’s no reason why I shouldn’t be your leader.

I guess what I’m saying is: Give up everything you have and follow me. If you don’t have anything, then follow somebody else.

I’d make a great Pope. Why, some of my best friends think they’re Jesus.

I was born again. Now my mother really hates me. She thought it was painful the first time.

My philosophy is a variation of the Christian ideal. I believe that if a man slaps you on your cheek, you should place a revolver at the base of his skull and a blow a hole the size of a grapefruit through his cheek.

My philosophy is a synthesis of Muslim fundamentalism and Ricky Ricardoism. I believe in an eye for an aye-yi-yi-yi-yi!

I never understood why the Catholic Church was against abortion. The whole premise of the religion is a God killing his own kid. Whether God kills his only son in utero or when he’s 33 is just splitting hairs, or sons, or the hair on his son. Either way, if you’re the son of this God, you’re not gonna be buying any Father’s Day presents.

This God got his start abusing children. A guy named Abraham was about to kill his son, Isaac. He had the knife over the kid’s head. Then he regained his composure and he didn’t kill him. But it turned out that his wife, Sarah, had seen him and she asked, "What were you doing with a knife over our son’s head?"

And thinking fast, Abraham said, "God told me to do it."

And she said, "God told you to do it?"

And then he said, "But then God told me not to do it."

And she said, "Praise the Lord!" and a God was born, the God of three major religions, all of which hate each other.

What would a Tripp “Popacy” mean? I pledge to make the rich do their fair share of penance! When the top one percent are doing most of the sinning, why shouldn’t they do a little more penance?

What does that mean for the average sinner? When you go to confession, you won’t have to do as many “Hail Marys” and “Our Fathers,” or pretend that’s what you’re doing. I’ll be honest with you. I never did the penance when I went to confession. I just acted like I was praying. That way, I had something for the next time I went to confession.

Under the current “Popacy,” you might get ten “Hail Marys”, three “Our Fathers,” and a rosary. Under a Tripp “Popacy,” you’ll get, maybe, three “Hail Marys,” one “Our Father,” and what’s a rosary?

Also I will bring back indulgences, with a special deal for bankers and their politicians. You will be able to pay for these indulgences over time with reasonable adjustable rates.

What price would you put on your soul? Twenty-eight-fifty.

Sinners will be able to pay either the principal amount or a minimum monthly balance.

Also, if I’m Pope, no more church on Sunday. Why do you go to church? To listen to somebody like you tell you what to do with your life? What does a priest know that you don’t know? Grow up.

Also, I’m gonna start selling some church real estate. And I think it’s kind of weird that the church has its own country, and the Swiss Guard are protecting it. I don’t remember much about this Jesus character’s spiel, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t about an earthly kingdom.

I guess what I’m saying is if you put me in charge of this church, I will dismantle it, and isn’t that really what we should want in the next Pope?

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"I Have A Dream!"

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"Breaking Taboo" - December 24, 2012

I was a guest on the holiday edition of "Breaking Taboo" with Suzanne Monk and host Lakota Phillips. We pre-recorded it on December 23:

"Deconstructing Christmas, the end of talking about Mayans and a plug for The Hierophant"

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Trippitorial - Facebook Sponsored Ads

So every time I log into facebook, I notice now, in the right hand column, sponsored ads featuring pages my friends have ‘liked.’ It’s always different friends who ‘liked’ different pages, mostly cell phones and during the 2012 election cycle, Mitt Romney, but those weren’t really friends, so much as bots with fake profiles, whose friendships I accepted in good faith. As a matter of fact, there are a lot of bots who happen to think I’m pretty funny.

Anyway, these ads are all a part of some kind of algorithm. So one day, I decided to become a participant in the algorithm and I clicked on a sponsored ad for one of the pages my friend, Ernie, ‘liked.’ When I clicked through, it took me to the page, and I didn’t ‘like’ it. Why would I ‘like’ anything in a sponsored ‘like’ ad? If I ‘liked’ it, they’d start using my face to try to get my friends to ‘like’ it. Never ‘like’ a page with an advertising budget. And why would anybody ‘like’ their stupid page anyway?

But then I noticed, in the right hand column, a sponsored ad for another page Ernie had ‘liked.’ I guess the facebook algorithm figured, if he clicked on something Ernie ‘liked’ once, maybe he’ll click on something else Ernie ‘likes.’ They were right. I was all in. I figured, hey, let’s see what else Ernie ‘likes.’

And then every time I saw an ad for a page Ernie ‘liked,’ I clicked it, because I figured, if me and Ernie are going to be a part of their algorithm, then I’m going to skew it. I’ll click all the ads Ernie’s in, but I won’t ‘like’ any of the pages. Ernie’s in a lot of sponsored ads, because Ernie ‘likes’ a lot of pages. Ernie never met a page he didn’t ‘like,’ except, for some reason, Will Rogers.

Ernie also gets a lot of event invitations and there isn’t one he isn’t going to: ‘Join? Maybe? Decline?’ Join! Of course. I’ve never seen Ernie at any event he joined. Maybe he’s a bot.

Pretty soon Ernie’s face started appearing in the right hand column on almost every page I visited on facebook. And every time, I would click on it. Then sponsored ads starring Ernie began appearing in my newsfeed. And I kept clicking. Facebook suggested I buy him a gift.

I kept on clicking. I figured, hey, maybe if I keep on clicking, Ernie’s face will start showing up more on his other friend’s pages too. And if they start clicking on his ads on those pages, then maybe his face will show up on other people’s pages. Pretty soon, his face would start showing up on people’s pages he wasn’t even friends with and people would be like, “Well, Ernie ‘likes’ it. Maybe, I’ll ‘like’ it too.”

Ernie ‘likes’ pretzels. Ernie ‘likes’ cell phones. Ernie ‘likes’ batteries. I wonder if Ernie ‘likes’ the page I’m on. Washington slept here, but Ernie ‘liked’ it.

I clicked on Ernie’s picture so many times; the facebook algorithm suggested I start a page for Ernie.  I wonder if he’d ‘like’ it.

Actually Ernie does have a facebook page, and I clicked ‘like.’ Maybe I’ve appeared in an ad for it.

I also have a page, and guess what? Ernie ‘liked’ it. Maybe this is my big chance. Maybe I should take out a facebook ad for my page.  Maybe Ernie is the face I can use to sell my page, because, let’s face it, my face ain’t doing it!’ My face is my business and my business isn’t doing so good.
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James Tripp for President - A Very Special Announcement

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Trippitorial - The Debates II

The debates are over and it’s about time. If this is the price for living in a democracy, I’m glad I don’t live in one.

The last debate was the debate of the smiley face versus the serious face. Obama had a different face for each debate. Romney just had the one---smiley face. In the first debate, Obama didn’t bring a face. He wasn’t there. In the second debate he brought a smiley face like Romney, but it didn’t fit him. In the last debate he brought his serious face, which sometimes bordered on annoyed. At one point during the last debate, I thought Obama was going to turn to Romney and say, “Mitt, you ignorant slut.”

In the second debate, Romney said he had a five point plan. He never named any of the points in his plan. That’s a good plan. In the third debate Mitt Romney said he had a plan for the future, which he will tell us about in the future.

Romney said pay equity for women was an important topic, but not to him. The first question in the foreign policy debate asked the candidates what they would do if there was a threat from abroad. This sounds like a question for the GOP! “You do what you’d do to any dame who gets out of line. You take away their charge card! And their reproductive rights.”

Romney has a bold plan for day 1 of his presidency: "on day 1, I will name it day 2!" his five point plan has six points. I would prefer 9-9-9.

Romney’s talking point on Benghazi was wrong, but he kept going.

“Go on.” That was the smiling Obama.

Romney wasn’t backing down from his debate prep. “That’s not how we rehearsed it! I just want to make sure you repeat what you said because that’s not what your understudy said in rehearsal.”

“Go on.”

If Mitt Romney gets elected president, he’ll send a Mormon mission to Iran. That’ll get them to disarm, or to zero in on a new target.

Romney’s plan for Syria? It’s worth more broken up.

Romney wants to be the education president, as long as the kids aren’t educated about him. "When I was Governor, our 4th graders came out number C."

When Mitt Romney talked about Israel, he started rhyming: “If Israel is under attack, Mitt Romney has got your back. Word to your mother. And would it kill you to call?”

Mitt Romney said he was a son of a…you’re darn right he is. At one point he referred to the audience as “folks” because he’s “folksy.” Mitt said he wanted to be America’s leader, but he needed the support of American voters and the support of magic underwear.
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Trippitorial - The Debates

If I learned anything from the vice presidential debates, it’s that clearly, Joe Biden likes a good laugh. Laughter is the best medicine, although that’s not what the Doctor wrote on my prescription. I wonder if my stand-up act could get as many laughs from the Vice President as Paul Ryan’s answers. If Joe Biden was in the audience, I’d book Paul Ryan to headline a night of comedy.

I expected them to be standing at podiums like the presidential debate. Instead, it looked like Charlie Rose, although this Charlie had long, blond hair. Joe Biden acted like a schoolmaster and Paul Ryan was Peck’s bad boy. I was expecting the vice president to give him the switch. “Stop lying, boy!”

Biden was the big dog, Ryan was the puppy. Biden schooled the boy. Paul Ryan got his ass kicked. He needs to go back to the gym. What distinguished Paul Ryan was how much water he drank. He must have been getting a work out. “I have to stay hydrated.” He probably needed to pee half way through the debate. No wonder he didn’t do better.

If that debate were a prison, Paul Ryan would have been Joe Biden’s bitch. It was like shooting a dead horse. I think I heard Karl Rove's head explode during the debate, which may be a good thing.

Joe Biden’s face stole Ronald Reagan’s line, "There you go again!" He also alluded to another vice presidential debate when he said, "Now you're Jack Kennedy." That joke always works.

When asked what he could give to this country that no one else could, Paul Ryan said, “Honesty.” He is a pretty honest guy except for that answer. He didn’t even believe it himself. He couldn’t finish saying it. When he caught himself saying what he was saying, he tried to stop himself from saying it, but it was too late, because he had already said it, so he just started talking about something else. That’s why Joe Biden was laughing.

Maybe Paul Ryan would be a good student government vice president. I’m not so sure about Vice President of the United States, or on second thought, student government vice president.

Paul Ryan’s smile was even more uncomfortable than Mitt Romney’s. Romney had a smile on his face the whole debate that made me wonder about the material from which his magic underwear was made. “Boxers or magic underwear?” Whatever magic underwear he was wearing for the first debate, he should keep wearing them. Not only are they magic, they’re lucky too.

Romney finally figured out how to win a debate. Defund the moderator. PBS is too Big Bird to fail.

The first debate was on domestic issues. Romney prepared by making sure all his household servants had their green cards. Domestic issues. Hmmm…

I would have liked to see a debate between candidate Mitt Romney for President vs. candidate Mitt Romney for Governor. I wonder who would win. Candidate Mitt Romney for Governor showed up at the first debate. Obama wasn’t expecting that. He was prepared for that other Romney. But Romney thought, “This would be a good time to shake my Etch A Sketch.

“My campaign office will gladly issue a retraction Tuesday for my statement today.” Romney will say whatever you want him to say. His campaign can always disavow it later.

Mitt Romney’s biggest concern in the debate was that corporations won’t buy corporate jets if the corporate jet buying tax break is eliminated. I know I won’t.

Everybody was expecting zingers from Mitt Romney. In preparation for the debate, I drank Red Zingers. That was gonna be my drinking game. I was gonna drink every time Mitt Romney scored with a zinger. It’s a good thing I was already drunk. Mitt Romney needs to take my comedy class.

It was a boring debate. It could have used a streaker…As long as it wasn’t Chris Christie.

I live tweeted the debates this year. Who is reading debate tweets when everyone is tweeting? Nobody. Nobody’s reading anybody else’s tweets. It’s not social networking. It’s social masturbating.

During the debate Romney said he knew what to do with government land; sell it to corporations. There are no small businesses, only small business owners.

The next debate will be in the form of a town meeting. That’s my kind of town.
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Too Big Bird to Fail

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James Tripp, Inc.

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Free Speech Show 15th Anniversary

James Tripp, Cathy Ladman, January Thomas, Bil Dwyer, Sean Green, Laurie Buckley and Steve Gelder join host Bill Bronner to celebrate the "Free Speech 15th Anniversary."
 
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A Clarification

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Live Tweets From The Democratic Convention - Night 3

2:11 pm PST James Tripp ‏@thejamestripp

The #DNC has a better talent booker than the #RNC.

Get ready for #ClintEastwood to yell at his television.

3:59 pm PST James Tripp ‏@thejamestripp

Anyone else notice the #Dems are inspirational and the #GOP full of gloom?

4:16 pm PST James Tripp ‏@thejamestripp

#JoeBiden is doing his #JohnBoehner impersonation.

I'd listen to #ScarlettJohansson even if she was talking to an #emptychair.

5:05 pm PST James Tripp ‏@thejamestripp

is glad he didn't play the #Kennedy drinking game.

#JohnKerry is a flip calling a flopper.

#DNC has more statesmen than #RNC.

6:11 pm PST James Tripp ‏@thejamestripp

Chants of #USA. The #Democrats are in the same place as the #Republicans were last week.

I get the feeling #JillBiden would have given me detention.

8:06 pm PST James Tripp ‏@thejamestripp

It's #ChrisChristie's favorite singer. #BruceSpringsteen

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