Trippitorial - Privacy and the N.S.A.

I started following the N.S.A. on Twitter. Now they’re following me! I’m glad the N.S.A. is spying on everyone…just in case I lose my car keys, maybe they’ll know where to find them. If it wasn't for the N.S.A., no one would be reading my blog.

Privacy is for the guilty. It’s for the instigators. If you’ve got nothing to hide, you won’t mind the government feeling up your girlfriend. And your girlfriend won’t mind the government feeling her up. By the way, has anybody checked your balls lately?

This is America. Love it---and when you do, use a rubber, because it has a disease. If America were to be psychoanalyzed, I think you’d find it has a military industrial complex, caused by too much love for the mother, and a hatred for the father.

I don’t need privacy. I need a hi-def camera for the next time I jerk off! Privacy is for privates. You want to be an enlisted man?

I love the N.S.A. I just think they ought to pay my internet bill.

Privacy is for the old. I’m young. Young people don’t care about privacy. Young people are sexting each other pictures of their private parts! A lot of parts aren’t even private anymore! Some parts get favorited. Some parts get retweeted. Some parts get their own web series.

Nobody wants privacy. They want followers! Everybody has a website. Everybody’s on twitter and facebook and linked in and vine and instagram and pinterest and YouTube and up my ass! You don’t need the N.S.A. to take away your privacy. You’re taking it away yourself! I’m being poked by grown men on facebook, and I’m not too sure what that means, but I don’t like it.

I’m leaving an internet trail that Hansel and Gretel could follow home, especially if they did a search on Google. Every time I look at a website, Google has an ad for it on the next website. They know where I’ve been. I can’t wait until they know where I’m going, because I don’t.

 Privacy is for the weak. I got nothing to hide, and I hope nobody finds out!

I’m just glad this is being recorded right now. It saves the government the trouble.

You’re better off without privacy. There’s less bullshit. Most people spend their lives trying to cover up all the fucked up things about themselves. They’ll be a lot better off when there’s nothing covered that hasn’t been uncovered by a government agency!

I’m James Tripp, and that’s what you can do with your privacy!

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"Comedy Nation This Week" - March 16, 2012

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The panel discuss the recent GOP primaries, the War on Women, Sudan and more.

Trippitorial - Southern Strategy

I have never eaten grits. I’m not opposed to eating grits, but I’m not going out of my way to eat grits. And I’m certainly not going to eat cheese grits. With all apologies to my farming constituency, dairy is not always my friend, but that’s another story.

I don’t even know…what are grits? I know what “true grit” is, but I don’t think that applies in this situation, although in the movie, I think there was a scene where somebody was eating grits, but it might have been just mush, although then it would have been “True Mush,” and that’s a different movie altogether. I never had mush either. Is there a mush constituency? I know mush has a consistency.

Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that I don’t have a southern strategy. I have nothing against saying y’all, as a matter of fact, I just said it. It’s just that I typically don’t say it. I once said, “Blimey,” but that was in southern England. “Blimey!” It was kind of a Dick Van Dyke interpretation. But if I was to run for president, and I want to make it perfectly clear, I am not running, I don’t think I would change who I am.

Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich like to pander. Newt’s better at it, probably because he looks like a panda. When Mitt panders, you just don’t believe him. If a presidential candidate talks to you like you're a redneck and it doesn’t bother you, you might be a redneck. If you know the Ten Commandments better than you know the bill of rights, you might be a redneck. Wait a minute. That’s not my act. That’s an act?

The Republican candidates in the race I am not in have had their fun in the South and now they’re on to Missouri, Puerto Rico and Illinois. I wonder if Mitt Romney knows the owner of the Cubs. Rick Santorum, on the other hand, is not too good at pandering. He told a newspaper in Puerto Rico that if the territory wants to become a state, they’re going to have to speak English, just like Jesus.  I guess that’s one way to court the Catholic vote.

Of course, maybe his real audience for that remarkable remark was in the States. Maybe he’s not as dumb as his religious beliefs. Of course, you have to be dope to listen to a Pope.

It’s like LBJ said when he signed civil rights legislation, “we’re gonna lose the south until the 2012 election.