Plan for Victory

“We have finally achieved peace with honor.”

---Richard Nixon

1. Invade Afghanistan since that’s where the bad men are.
2. Carpet bombing of Cambodia.
3. Look for but don’t find Osama bin Laden.
4. Carpet bombing of Cambodia.
5. Use American military to further my own political ambitions.
6. Carpet bombing of Cambodia.
7. Invade Iraq because that’s where the bad man is.
8. Carpet bombing of Cambodia.
9. Declare “Mission Accomplished!” on an aircraft carrier.
10. Carpet bombing of Cambodia.
11. Weaken American military preparedness.
12. Carpet bombing of Cambodia.
13. The Vietnamization of Iraqi troops.
14. Carpet bombing of Cambodia.
15. Come up with a plan.

Mea Culpa

In my heart I am innocent, though in reality, I am guilty.

Over a period of time, payments were made to me in return for my influence over Pentagon spending. For that I am sorry.

It’s true that I received $525,000 to pay off a second mortgage on my house. Sorry.

I received an additional $200,000 for a down payment on a Washington area condominium. So sorry.

I was given use of a $140,000 boat which its owner re-christened the “Tripp-Stir.” Sorry about that.

I received $32,508 to buy and repair a Rolls Royce. Sorry.

Someone paid $4,631 for me to spend a weekend at the Greenbrier resort. I don’t know how that happened. Sorry.

Another kind individual spent $2,081 on a graduation party for my daughter. I’m really sorry. Please believe me. I don't even have a daughter. I'm sorry about that.

Part of my plea deal included this public reckoning and apology. I’m sorry that happened.

I got caught and I'm going to jail. I’m really, really sorry.

American Public Pardons White House Turkeys

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, the American Public today pardoned Marshmallow and Yam for lying to them since September 11, 2001 and for usurping the democratic process to seize power.

“They came to office through deceit and guile,” said one citizen. “But come on, stop lying, stop making money for your friends and get the boys home.”

“In a democracy, everyone gets the leadership they deserve,” said another unconcerned American, “but this is ridiculous.”

“I like dark meat,” said a passerby on Pennsylvania Avenue, “but these birds are a little gamey.”

When asked if it was prudent to pardon a couple of turkeys who led us into war with forged intelligence, a spokesman for the people said, “I don’t think the President was operating from bad intelligence. I think he was operating from no intelligence.”

President Cheney Annexes Austria and the Sudetenland

With renewed calls to accelerate the withdrawal of American troops from Iraq, President Dick Cheney today outlined plans to annex Austria and the Sudetenland and warned that aggression from Poland would not be tolerated.

Noting that Austria and the Sudetenland are “hotbeds of terrorist activity,” the President said that the United States had no choice but to take pre-emptive action. “We are closely monitoring the developing situation in Poland,” he said.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair announced the signing of an Anglo-American accord “as symbolic of the desire of our two peoples… [to bring] peace in our time.”

President Cheney said, “The Prime Minister is a good man. He’s a friend of mine. We’re colleagues. He’s right on this thing. I agree with the Prime Minister and believe this accord will serve the best interests of this nation.”

Energy Policy For Sale

The Washington Post reported that executives from several oil companies met with Vice President Dick Cheney’s energy task force in 2001, according to White House documents. I’m shocked---shocked that the Vice President’s office would document this.

How were these same executives then expected to testify before a joint hearing last week of the Senate Energy and Commerce committees under oath? Republican Commerce Chairman Ted Stevens had the perfect solution---don’t make them swear an oath to tell the truth. Why didn’t I think of that?

The chief executives of Exxon Mobil Corp., Cheveron Corp. and ConocoPhillips last week testified that they did not participate in the 2001 task force. The chief executive of BP America said he did not know, while the President of Shell Oil said his company did not participate “to my knowledge.” I wonder whose job it was to make sure he had no knowledge.

The energy task force, comprised mostly of cabinet level officials, was charged with developing a national energy policy. The Post article reports that many of the recommendations of the group have already become law while other points are still being debated.

During this same period, many environmental groups attempted to give input to the task force and were denied access. The environment, apparently, was not the task at hand.

It is good to see that the party of Lincoln is rededicated to the proposition “that government of the people, by some of the people, for some of the people, shall not perish from the earth.”

Sources Release Me From Confidentiality Agreements

The good news is that my sources have freed me up to talk about anything we might have talked about. The bad news is that none of my sources talked about anything of interest to Special Counsel Patrick J. Fitzgerald.

In written statements provided to me from documents I provided them with, providing my lawyer approved the provisions of the provided documents, I was released from any agreement of confidentiality I may have previously implied before things were said which shouldn’t have been said that I did not hear.

Even so, I have agreed to give sworn testimony in a deposition, although no one has requested that I do so. Amendment I to the Constitution of the United States of America provides that “Congress shall make no law…abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press…” It makes no similar provision to make no law abridging the investigation of a federal prosecutor.

While my sources have released me to disclose anything they may have said, they have not released me to disclose that they may have said anything. The conversations I may or may not have had, although I have no specific recollection that I may or may not have had them, were general in nature in that my sources generally try to get me to say things they want to say but don’t want to be caught saying. My sources tell me I’m lucky what they told me is true. A lot of the time they just make things up. These things they make up are not lies, they tell me, but they’re not the truth either.

None of my sources at any time ever said anything about former Ambassador Joe Wilson or his wife, herein after referred to as Joe Wilson’s wife. Valerie Plame’s profession as a CIA operative was never proffered in connection to any story I may or may not have been writing or as a part of any deep background investigation. Still, that’s no reason not to depose me. I was not aware of the identity of Ms. Plame, or her connection to the CIA, until it was first reported on some TV station reporting on what Robert Novak had reported. Some of my sources were watching TV with me at the time, although they have not freed me to talk about that.