Gold Star Added to Flag

An extra star has been added to all the lawmaker’s flags who voted for a failed flag burning amendment. And it’s a gold star! Now Senators can proudly display their flags on their mother’s refrigerators with their very own gold star! Gold stars are what every good boy and girl gets. Neato!

The Buckshot Stops Here

The Bush Administration has a new slogan---“the buckshot stops here.”

These guys are getting cocky. I guess they figured when you’ve already admitted to killing at least 30,000 innocent civilians, what’s one more?

I know what Cheney was thinking: “Why should I be the only one with a bad heart?”

They're like The Beverly Hillbillies. “One day Dick was shootin’ for some food and up from the brush came a gurgling stream of 78 year old blood---Texas blood. It’s not as quenching as the blood of a virgin, Cheney may have been thinking, but it is blood never the less.

The last time I went hunting, I was at the supermarket. I could recognize my prey because it was wrapped in cellophane.

Hunters say what they do is beneficial because it helps to thin the heard. I think we should thin the heard right now. The trouble is the kind of hunter we need for this job is already working for the Vice President. And we all know what happens when you go against Dick Cheney.

Acme Factory Destroyed

A wily Religious Coyote today blew up the Acme factory using its own devices. A roadrunner who was a resident of the facility got away.

In the explosion, the coyote was blown over the side of a cliff and fell into a gorge. It is not known if he survived the fall.

“Americans for James Tripp” to Donate Abramoff Contributions

“Americans for James Tripp,” the 2004 committee to elect James Tripp President of the United States, said today that they would be donating any and all campaign contributions from the embattled Washington Lobbyist, Jack Abramoff, to an established charity. When asked to what charity the money would be donated, a spokesman answered, “‘The committee to elect James Tripp,’ as soon as we establish it.”

Tripp denied knowing Abramoff saying, “I had very little to do with the day-to-day operations of the campaign committee. In fact, I don’t think it would be too far from the truth to say that I had very little to do with the campaign at all. I was too busy running to be involved.”

In addition to the Tripp revelation, sources close to the investigation expect between one to two dozen members of Congress and/or their staffs to be named. Tripp insisted that any positions he took regarding indigenous people stemmed from a long term relationship he had with Chief Wild Eagle of the Hekawi tribe.

King George's Holiday Reading List

1. Fun with Dick and Karl.
2. Curious George in Iraq
3. I Saw It All on Downing Street
4. Where the Wild Terrorists Are
5. Scott McClellan and His Steam Shovel
6. The White House has Pooh in the Corner
7. One State Two State Red State Blue State
8. Green Eggs and Pork
9. My Senator and Me: A Dogs-Eye View of Washington D.C.

Saddam Claims “Bad Touching”

Before his trial adjourned until January 24, Saddam Hussein charged that his American captors "were mean to me." The former dictator said that the Americans had taunted and touched him in “unnatural” ways.

When asked how he had been taunted, Hussein responded that the Americans would not tell him where Mecca was. “Every time I asked them where Mecca was, they would point in a different direction,” he said. “Five times a day I would ask them so I could face the Holy city while I prayed, and five times a day they would point in a different direction.”

The judge then gave Hussein a doll and instructed him to show the court where the Americans had touched him. Hussein repeatedly pointed to an area labeled, 'No Fly Zone.'

“They touched me here, here and one time here,” he said.

When asked if it was good touching or bad touching, Hussein said, “It was bad touching.”

The Bush administration denied any mistreatment of Hussein, but they did concede that Bush is a little touched himself.