Tripp Comments on Colbert

Comedian and Presidential candidate James Tripp today issued his first statement since Stephen Colbert entered the race for President.

“I’m glad to see another serious journalist enter this contest,” said Tripp. “Now maybe this campaign can be about something that nobody ever talks about and I’m certainly not.”

Tripp asserted that he was not afraid of the competition. “I think we’re going to run a close race with Mr. Colbert in South Carolina,” said Tripp, “but we plan on beating him everywhere else.”

The comedian and Presidential candidate denied that he had any prior knowledge that Mr. Colbert would make his announcement. “I only wish I did,” said Tripp. “I could have announced that he was going to announce that he would make an announcement about an announcement he would be making.”

James Tripp Will Be A Candidate For United States President

A Very Special Announcement

“Previously I issued a statement that I would not be making an announcement about making an announcement which was not an announcement,” said possible Presidential candidate and comedian James Tripp. “Today I can announce that I will be making an announcement about making an announcement which will be an announcement.”

Sources close to Tripp reported that the potential candidate today taped a very special segment of The Ointment, an internet talk and news show parody in which he will announce his candidacy.

The date the show will air was not immediately released.

James Tripp To Explore Exploring

Comedian James Tripp, who ran for President of the United States in 2000 and 2004, today announced the formation of an exploratory committee to investigate whether or not he should form an exploratory committee to study the feasibility of forming an exploratory committee.

“We have to explore what it is we should be exploring before we explore anything,” said Tripp. “It may necessitate the formation of a new committee to determine if we need to form a new committee.”

Tripp asserted that the existence of myspace.com/jamestrippforpresident did not necessarily indicate that he was already running. It is, according to Tripp, “a happy coincidence.” Said Tripp, “MySpace is free. When we set up a page that we’re paying for, then it will become more serious.” An unconfirmed source reported that Americans for James Tripp will set up a new site this Tuesday.

“We have explored exploring the exploration of an exploratory committee in the past and every time our exploration has yielded results which led to the formation of an exploratory committee,” said Tripp.

I Apologize

I would like to say something about nothing that has anything to do with everything. In setting out the things I will say nothing about, I hope to elucidate and clarify the point I am trying not to make.

While it’s true I never served in the military, as a boy I did own a G.I. Joe. And while I did not follow in the footsteps of that great fictitious American hero, I do sometimes employ a kung fu grip.

Between now and the end of the 2006 election cycle, I will be curtailing my campaign appearances as they will only serve as a distraction from the real things that nobody should be talking about.

Some people were offended by a joke I made about Gilligan’s Island.

At no time did I mean to imply that the White House was an island or that the friends of Gilligan were as dumb as the people who live on the island.

When I called the President “Gilligan,” I did not mean to impugn a trademark of the Time Warner Corporation or the actor Bob Denver. In my book, the trademark and the actor are A-OK.

I now acknowledge that Karl Rove is nothing like the Skipper™, Jonas Grumby™, although he has been known to hit everyone's favorite "Little Buddy™" over the head with Jack Abramoff's hat and exclaim, "Gilligan™!" I am sorry if I maligned the Skipper™ or devalued the underlying rights of the character.

I was wrong to make fun of Tony Snow using the character of the Professor™. I apologize.

Thurston Howell III™ is no Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney has more money.

It was wrong to call Condoleezza Rice, “Lovey™.”

Donald Rumsfeld is clearly not a visiting Cannibal™ from a nearby island. I did not mean to offend any Cannibals™. I apologize.

James Tripp

Bush Revels in Ignorance from Stern to Stem Cell

This guy is an idiot. He is deliberately ignorant. He appeals to the lowest common denominator. He stole two elections. He is the worst President in the history of the United States. Wait…This is supposed to be funny…This guy is a Jack Ass! Wait…He’s a war criminal…Settle down. He likes to read the constitution with a black highlighter. He can’t even read. “Reading is the work of the devil!” If he were in the Garden of Eden we would all be naked. “Don’t bite into that apple!” He would leave it for the worms. Bush wants to be the Education President, as long as people aren’t educated about him. I hope he gets some disease that stem cell research might have helped cure. I better stop now.