Trippitorial - "The Supreme Corporation"

Citing its own 2010 Citizens United ruling as precedent, the Supreme Court struck down a century old Montana state campaign finance law that limits corporate political spending. The court stated, "Political speech does not lose first amendment protection simply because its source is a corporation."

That’s why from now on I will no longer be known as James Tripp. I will be known as James Tripp, Inc. I am incorporating to avoid federal election spending limits and for the limited liability because I’m liable to do anything. Was’t Hamlet wronged Laertes? Never Hamlet. Twas Hamlet’s corporation.

When corporations incorporate, they do it to limit their liability. So when people form a corporation, they do it because they know they’re going to do something they don’t want to be liable for.

Corporations are artificial creations whose sole purpose is to increase profit.  For them to have a profit, somebody else has to have a loss, in this case, real people.

If corporations are people, let them walk my dog and pick up his shit. Of course, I don’t have a dog, but that’s not important to the point I’m trying to make. “Down, boy.”

People are not corporations. Sure, anybody can put an Inc. On their name, but a corporation is so much more than an individual. For example: an individual would not think to patent his own DNA, but a corporation would. As a matter of fact I don’t own the licensing on several of my chromosomes, which can sometimes be a problem.

Why, some of my best friends are incorporated. The fed, Citibank, the Republican Party…I wouldn’t want my sister to marry one.

Corporate spending makes voting obsolete. Now if we could just make corporations obsolete by voting.

Over the years, the court’s become more diverse. There’s an African American, women and a Latina on the bench. Isn’t it about time the president appoints a corporation to the Supreme Court? I think there may be one on there already.

America is not a corporation or a Democracy or a Republic. I don’t know what it is, but I owe it taxes.

This is James Tripp, inc., a Delaware corporation, and I’ll be back with another Trippitorial.

Buy The Hierophant:

"Comedy Nation This Week" - April 20, 2012

Here's today's podcast with panelists Laurie Buckley, Dave Plunkett, James Tripp and host Bill Bronner:

Panelists discuss the War On Women, Citibank, Argentina's natinalization of YPF and more,

Trippitorial - Words

I don’t trust words or the people who use them. Nobody ever lied to me before I could speak. I should never have listened.

When you’re a baby, you can get a lot more by crying than by using complete sentences. Of course, it’s a simpler world with simpler wants. You either want to eat or evacuate what you’ve eaten. And only the first part requires any real effort. But once you learn how to speak, instead of people just giving you things, people start wanting things from you.

Once you learn a language, it’s hard to feign ignorance, unless you’re in Congress. The only reason my parents taught me to speak was so they could say, “eat your broccoli!” And I’d know what they mean. Before I had a facility with words, a perfectly acceptable answer was “Ba ba ba.” But as soon as you use words like, “I don’t like broccoli,” it sets up a confrontation, especially if you say it like that. I blame words.

Before I could speak, a simple facial expression could communicate, “Do I look like I like broccoli?” Of course, the same expression could indicate a buildup of gas, which broccoli can exasperate. That’s still no reason to use words. Why do you think that swear words are always the first words that kids want to learn in a new language? Because that’s what words do to you. The first thing you want to learn how to say is, “Fuck!”

Parents teach you how to speak to try to convince you that their view of reality is the correct one. People who already speak have stopped listening to them so they’ll talk to you until you stop listening, which will probably be sometime soon after you understand what they’re saying.

Once they have you listening, it isn’t long before they have you believing in Santa Claus and God and that the United States is a democracy. Do you really think you’d believe in Santa Claus if they didn’t use words to lie to you? It’s not like you’d be walking down the street one day and suddenly think, “Hey, I’ll bet there’s some fat, old guy in a red suit who’s going to climb down my chimney in the dead of a cold, dark winter’s night. Maybe I should call the police.”

Words. Who needs them? Next time you think, don’t use words. How would you think if you didn’t use words? How would you communicate? Maybe we’d develop telepathic powers if people would just shut up. Nobody would have to talk. Everybody would know what everyone else was thinking--- not much.

The 98%

I’m a little concerned that only 1% of the 99% are representing 100% of the 99% and I think it’s time somebody started protesting about this, but not me. I’m not a trouble maker. It’s just that the people in the Occupy movement aren’t 99% of the people. They’re probably not even 1% of the 99% of the people they say they represent. They’re not the only ones getting the business from business. They’re just the ones with sleeping bags and no toilets, but that’s no reason to listen to them. I have things say too. Listen to me. I am a spokesman for the 98% of the 99%.

The only trouble is, I have nothing to say, but that’s no reason not to say anything. Long live the ninety-eight!

First of all, my landlord’s an asshole. I want to state that right off. I have rent control, so the landlord doesn’t want to fix anything. The landlord wants me to move out so he can raise the rent. “Fuck-you, landlord. I’m not moving out. Fix the sink!” The only way I get repairs done is if I call the building inspector, which I have to do every six months. I’m on a first name basis with Building Inspector Yen, but that’s no reason to use his first name.

Secondly, how come I never got on “The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson?” What, did he think he was some kind of a big shot? Is it because I didn’t have tits and didn’t blow Jim McCawley?

The 98% of the 99% have a lot more to say than the 1% of the 99%. I think I’m proving that. I don’t think the 99% are saying anything, which makes me think we’re a lot alike, but that’s not important. What is important is that we’re different.

Here’s something that bugs me---people who make lists of things that bug them. I got things that bug me too! Who needs to listen to your list? Stupid 1% of 99%.

Too big to jail banks are a big problem. I get it, 1% of the 99%. Maybe you’re right about that. The banks are bigger now than they were before the crash. That’s bad. I get it. I saw “The Merchant of Venice,” the one with Al Pacino, and I could be wrong, but he doesn’t look Jewish---maybe a Northern Italian Jew (Are there any?), but I digress, and it’s not worth protesting, and who knows, maybe this digression is more interesting than the body of words that surround it and maybe I should digress more often, but that’s a digression, also not worth protesting. There are at least 1% out of 99% of you who are not amused by this, maybe more.

My bank has all kinds of new regulations, and somebody ought to complain about that, but not me. I got a letter the other day saying I have to have money to keep an account. Stupid bank. They’re gonna lose a perfectly good customer!

Bank of America and Citibank wanted to start charging a $5 monthly debit card fee but people wouldn’t pay so they backed off. Fuck you, Bank of America and Citigroup, although in the interest of full disclosure, I do own stock in Citigroup. Fuck me.

Unemployment’s a problem. I get it, one per centers of ninety-niners. You don’t have a job. I don’t have a job either. You don’t hear me complaining. Do you think people pay me for this? They don’t. I’ve been unemployed for so long now that I had to put it on my résumé. But just because I’m unemployed, that’s no reason to get a job. Why should I go to work for a corporation like some serf when I could be surfing if I surfed? So I can buy a big new plasma TV and fancy new car and food?

Here’s another thing to complain about---but not me. I won’t be complaining. There are too many media companies. I don’t have that kind of time. With 5 different corporations controlling the flow of mass communication in this country, it just gets confusing. We need more media consolidation. News Corporation should buy everything, including lobbyists, so we can get one consistent message. I don’t know what that message should be yet, but it will be for immediate release…Maybe, “Sale Thursday!”

If News Corporation owned everything, we wouldn’t have to pay politicians so much to run for office. Who needs campaign finance reform when News Corporation can tell you who to vote for? Why make politicians collect a bunch of little checks when it’s so much easier to just collect one big one?

The Supreme Court said that corporations are people, but I still won’t visit them on holidays. If corporations are people, how do they fuck? I know how they fuck me. I don’t even have the rights to the patent on my own DNA, which can sometimes be a problem.

There are already seven billion other people in the world and only 106 of them are following me on Twitter. Maybe corporations should count as people. Then they could follow me.

Corporations are not people. They have more rights than people. My friend, Ernie, went public and he got arrested. Corporations should not have unlimited free speech rights. Just ask the Marlboro Man. You can’t. He died of cancer. Corporations shouldn’t have the same rights to free speech as people and I’m not so sure we should give it to the Supreme Court.  Maybe they ought to shut up. That’d set a new precedent. I have contempt for this Supreme Court. It was a five to four decision. With a Supreme Court like this, who needs elections?

Don’t get me wrong. I love corporations. Why, some of my best friends are incorporated! I wouldn’t want one to marry my sister. I’m thinking of incorporating myself to avoid federal election spending limits and for the limited liability because I’m liable to do anything. “Was’t Hamlet wronged Laertes? Never Hamlet. Twas Hamlet’s corporation.”

At this point, I should probably point out that I forget the point, but that’s not important to the point I’m trying to make. My fellow ninety-eight per-centers, this country isn’t a Republic, it’s a privately held corporation, founded in Philadelphia, more recently a Delaware corporation, soon to be relocating to Switzerland, but that’s no reason to occupy it.