Trippitorial - "Guns Are People"

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"Comedy Nation This Week" - July 27, 2012

Here's the final podcast in this series with panelists Laurie Buckley, Dave Plunkett, James Tripp and host Bill Bronner:

Panelists discuss the Colorado shooting, new DNA evidence about some of our ancestors, the Russians in Cuba and more.

Trippitorial - Guns Are People

There’s been a lot of bad talk about guns in the news lately and I think it should stop. If the corporations that manufacture guns are people, aren’t guns people too? Do they not have feelings of their own?  If you cock them, do not people bleed?  If you hold one, do they not feel like a prick? Everybody on the news is talking about how they feel, but nobody’s asking the guns how they feel. If you tickle them, do they not misfire? I’ll tell you how they feel: Cheap. Used. Misunderstood.

If it was up to them, they’d be shooting themselves up in the air everyday in celebration. Sure, sometimes the bullets that go up come down into somebody’s head, but that’s not the gun’s fault. That’s gravity. What are you gonna do? Shoot Newton? And how are you gonna do that without a gun? That’s what I thought.

Guns are some of the most misunderstood weapons of mass destruction. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in a bar and heard some guy say, my gun, she just doesn’t understand me.” Well, you know what? That works both ways, pal.

It’s like the N.R.A. says, "guns don't kill people, we do." guns aren't the problem. It's people who don't have guns who are the problem. We've got to put a gun in the hand of every man, woman and child in America.

Why, some of my best friends are guns. I know a girl who married a gun. She has ten kids. The gun is always going off.

Guns aren't the problem. It's people who are the problem. That's why we need guns---to get rid of the problem.

Of course, if guns are people, and people kill people, maybe guns do kill people.

I’m James Tripp and I’ll be back with another Trippitorial.

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Trippitorial - "Tax Returns"

Many people have demanded that I release my tax returns and college transcripts. What one has to do with the other I do not know, but I make this pledge to you today: I will form a committee to investigate what, if any, the connection is between the two.

Secondly, I’d like the first thing that people consider is why haven’t you shown me your tax returns and college transcripts? I’ll show you mine if you show me yours. Yea, that’s what I thought…Nice taxes. And remember, just because it’s the second thing I said, that doesn’t mean it’s not the first thing I’d like people to consider.

C. Everything you need to know, you already know, and you’re better off not telling anybody you know it. People who know don’t tell and people who don’t know, don’t know what to tell. I certainly don’t.

People have got to know whether or not their candidate is a crook. Well, I am not a crook. I will release my taxes. I will release them in the oceans. I will release them in the air. I will release them wherever the flag flies free.

There will be a time to talk about such things, but let’s not talk about such things at this time. For, you see, I’ve filed an extension on my 2011 taxes and they aren’t quite finished yet. But as soon as they are completed by a crack team of accountants…by a team of accountants on crack…by one accountant…I will release my taxes to you, the citizens of this great land of ours.

I am not afraid of a discussion about taxes. I am not afraid of a discussion about anything. I am afraid we’ve run out of time.

God bless the I.R.S. and God bless America!

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Trippitorial - "Election Money"

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"Comedy Nation This Week" - July 13, 2012

Here's today's podcast with panelists Laurie Buckley, Dave Plunkett, James Tripp and host Bill Bronner:

Panelists discuss Mitt Romney at Bain Capital, Lesbian Super Pacs, outrage at Chinese made Olympic uniforms and more.

Trippitorial – Election Money

Elections are big business in this country. It is estimated that both Mitt Romney and Barack Obama’s campaigns will spend one billion dollars each. That’s two billion dollars. That’s more than I’ll make this whole year.

I guess the more the rich try to fool the poor, the more money they have to spend to get the poor to vote against their own self interests. If they want people without health care to vote against a plan to get them health care, that costs a lot of money, and cuts in education.

Speech is not free if somebody is paying for it. The rich would have you believe that money equals free speech. The more money you have, the freer you get to speak. Apparently, poor people must have nothing to say. It’s a good thing too. They’re so gauche.

In America, nothing is free unless the rich are paying for it or speech unless the rich are saying it. And that’s a good point, which is their point which makes me wonder if it’s such a good point.

You never hear about the poor influencing elections. All they have is a vote. Big deal. That doesn’t mean they’ll get to keep it. The poor can speak for free, but they’re gonna need some voter id. The peasants are revolting and so are the people they vote for.

The rich want to raise taxes on the poor---a poll tax. They also want to eliminate public education. Slaves don’t need to read. Next thing you know, they’ll be getting ideas. They’ll be thinking critically. They’ll be wanting two weeks of vacation.

The poor should be educated but they shouldn’t be so educated that they vote for someone who might represent their interests.

It’s time to get money out of politics. Any professional gambler knows the odds favor the house unless Sheldon Adelson is playing the House of Representatives. Then everyone loses.

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Trippitorial - "Supreme Tax"

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"Comedy Nation This Week" - July 6, 2012

Here's today's podcast with panelists Laurie Buckley, Dave Plunkett, James Tripp and host Bill Bronner:

 Panelists discuss the SCOTUS Affordable Care Act ruling, Presidential politics and the weekly Trippitorial.

Trippitorial - Supreme Tax

America’s health care system is ailing and I don’t feel so good myself. The affordable Care Act is compromised legislation. It’s compromised because the insurance and pharmaceutical lobbyists had to let some of the politician’s staffs write part of it. Instead of implementing a streamlined one payer, not for profit model, it preserves a failed model of limited coverage based on profit, not patient care. It preserves a market not worth preserving and insures increased future profits for those corporations with little thought given to cost containment. This happened because the campaign contributions politicians get from the insurance and pharmaceutical interests are too big to bail.

The for profit private insurance model of health care is a failed model whose life should not be prolonged. It’s time to pull the plug. The constitution does not begin, “We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect market…”

Chief Justice John Roberts said the penalty for not participating in the private market is a tax. The whole thing is a tax. It’s a tax we can pay to a private corporation, or for a smaller fee, to the government. I would prefer to pay it to the government for a single payer non-profit model like Medicare. The government should not be coercing its citizens to buy products from corporations, although I did recently incorporate.

Probably not since Rome hired private companies to collect taxes from their conquered territories has a citizen been mandated to pay a tax to a private corporation. And we all know what happened to Rome…What happened to Rome?

It’s like the government ordering us to send our taxes directly to Halliburton to pay for the Iraq war with no other bidders. Oh, wait, that happened. Halliburton was essentially the single payer provider for the Iraq war and yes, they did have death panels. But the affordable care act does not have death panels. Private insurers have death panels that deny coverage or delay it until you are dead. “The doctor will see you now…oh. Next.”

Forcing everyone into the private market keeps the unfair market alive. It’s like making us pay for protection: “I’d advise youse to peruse a primary plan from Blue Cross. And I put the emphasis on ‘blue’ and ‘cross.’”

The insurance companies are the pimps of our whore health care system. That’s why you see their executives driving around in pink Cadillac’s.

Corporations want to be people? I say let’s let some of them die. And hopefully they’ll be uninsured. Let some markets die. Corporations may be people, but guess what? I don’t like people.

Mitt Romney says the penalty is a tax unless it was signed into law by Mitt Romney. He’s an idiot. He said he wants to repeal Romneycare, although he may be confused. Republicans would repeal common sense if they had any.

Getting money out of politics is the real cure for health care reform. Any elected politician who is not actively pursuing campaign finance reform is corrupt and should be voted out of office, although he’s probably not in his office. He’s probably at a fundraiser somewhere. And I think that describes most of them.

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Trippitorial - "The Supreme Corporation"

Citing its own 2010 Citizens United ruling as precedent, the Supreme Court struck down a century old Montana state campaign finance law that limits corporate political spending. The court stated, "Political speech does not lose first amendment protection simply because its source is a corporation."

That’s why from now on I will no longer be known as James Tripp. I will be known as James Tripp, Inc. I am incorporating to avoid federal election spending limits and for the limited liability because I’m liable to do anything. Was’t Hamlet wronged Laertes? Never Hamlet. Twas Hamlet’s corporation.

When corporations incorporate, they do it to limit their liability. So when people form a corporation, they do it because they know they’re going to do something they don’t want to be liable for.

Corporations are artificial creations whose sole purpose is to increase profit.  For them to have a profit, somebody else has to have a loss, in this case, real people.

If corporations are people, let them walk my dog and pick up his shit. Of course, I don’t have a dog, but that’s not important to the point I’m trying to make. “Down, boy.”

People are not corporations. Sure, anybody can put an Inc. On their name, but a corporation is so much more than an individual. For example: an individual would not think to patent his own DNA, but a corporation would. As a matter of fact I don’t own the licensing on several of my chromosomes, which can sometimes be a problem.

Why, some of my best friends are incorporated. The fed, Citibank, the Republican Party…I wouldn’t want my sister to marry one.

Corporate spending makes voting obsolete. Now if we could just make corporations obsolete by voting.

Over the years, the court’s become more diverse. There’s an African American, women and a Latina on the bench. Isn’t it about time the president appoints a corporation to the Supreme Court? I think there may be one on there already.

America is not a corporation or a Democracy or a Republic. I don’t know what it is, but I owe it taxes.

This is James Tripp, inc., a Delaware corporation, and I’ll be back with another Trippitorial.

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Trippitorial - Immigrant Song

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"Comedy Nation This Week" - June 22, 2012

Here's today's podcast with panelists Laurie Buckley, Dave Plunkett, James Tripp and host Bill Bronner:

Panelists discuss the latest in the 2012 Presidential race, private prisons, the Justice Department's investigation of the cable industry, the weekly Trippitorial and more.

Trippitorial – Immigrant Song

Obama wants to give what amounts to amnesty to some illegal immigrants. We already gave it to bankers! There’s only so much amnesty to go around---domestically. Of course there’s always Amnesty International.

I say leave the illegal immigrants alone! I am sick and tired of people saying they’re sick and tired of the sick and tired. People who rail are people who fail to see the profit of putting illegal immigrants in jail.

This is a whole segment of the population that can’t vote for the people who are legislating against them. It’s a Republican wet dream. It’s a no lose proposition, especially if you’re Corrections Corporation of America, lobbying to correct America since 1983.

Illegal immigrants are the fastest growing segment of the American prison population and they’re starting to crowd out the pot smokers. Prosecuting illegal immigrants is big business for the private prison industry. Illegal immigrants are job creators.

Leave them alone. Illegal immigrants are some of my favorite people. They’re just like regular people, only illegal.

I get the other side. I, too, am tired of illegal immigrants coming to this country and stealing all our jobs. Of course I’m talking about Canadian comedians. The reality is you just have to be funnier than they are, and let’s face it, that’s not too hard.

But if you stop prosecuting illegal immigrants it’s bad for business and what’s bad for business is bad for America! Unless you weren’t born here, but that’s not my business.

Still, private prisons shouldn’t be too worried. The drug laws should keep their profits growing. But what happens if they make pot legal? There wouldn’t be anybody left to put in private prisons. I hope somebody bails them out.

Michael Bloomberg wants to make sodas illegal, which is bad for some business, but it could be good for the private prison business. The problem with the prisoners in this model is that they’re too big to jail.

For some Republicans, immigration reform isn’t enough. They want to get rid of some of the people that were born here too. Most Republicans don’t make sense. I think we should make English the official language of the GOP.

 

Mitt Romney is still on the fence about immigration. When he falls off, all of his wife’s horses and all the kingpins won’t be able to put Mitt Romney’s immigration policy back together again

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Trippitorial - "Super Pacs"

I am announcing today that I will accept support from any outside Super Pac wishing to advocate for James Tripp for President, even though I am not running. This is not a reversal of position. This is a course correction. And while some may say I may have said something else in the past about some things, some people would be better off moving on to other things.

We’re not going to fight this fight we’re not in with one hand tied behind our back…backs…back. We can’t allow the people who are running to operate under a different set of rules from the people who are not running. The campaign that we are not in has to face the reality of the campaign that people are in.

While I may not have spoken out in favor of Super Pacs in the past, it is not important to note that I spoke out against them, because before you can be for something, you have to be against it. And how can you know for sure if you’re against something, if you never tried to be for something? I don’t think you can.

This is a good time for people with no affiliation to James Tripp to start saying bad things about people who are not James Tripp. You can start off by saying, “He’s no James Tripp!” What you end up saying about the bad people who are not James Tripp is no business of James Tripp and I distance myself from it. I am shocked by it, and I would ask the people who are saying it to stop saying it after everybody has heard what you said.

This is not a step I take lightly. As a matter of fact, when I finish this Trippitorial, I’m going to sit down. The Citizen United ruling opened the door for more money and ad spending in the 2012 election cycle than in any previous election cycle in the history of the world and I want a piece of it, even though I am not running. It almost makes you wish somebody were saying something that wasn’t about somebody else, but I wouldn’t say that.

You know, my mother used to say, “If you have nothing nice to say about a person, don’t say anything at all.” I have nothing to say about my mother and I have nothing bad to say about some of the other candidates who are in the race I’m not in, but somebody else might. If some other group wants to say that Romney’s not too bright, or that Obama was born in Ubecky-Becky-Becky-Becky-Stan-Stan, there’s nothing I can do about that. But you can, if you contribute today.

This is not a time for candidates to be saying anything. This is a time for people who are not affiliated with the candidates to be saying things about people who aren’t affiliated to other people saying things!
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Trippitorial - "Commencement Day"

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"Comedy Nation This Week" - June 1, 2008

Here's today's podcast with panelists Laurie Buckley, Dave Plunkett, James Tripp and host Bill Bronner:

Panelists discuss, the jobs report, John Edwards acquittal, cannibals and spies.

Trippitorial – Commencement Day

This is the time of year when students are graduating and speeches are commencing. And so to graduates of the 2012 Trippitorials, I would like to say this:

Dean, President, Chancellor , faculty, members of the Board of Trustees, beloved parents,  grandparents, great grandparents, not so great parents, graduates, friends of the class of 2012, Senators, Congressmen, distinguished alumni:

As I look out at all your faces here today, I can’t see any of them because I’m in a radio station in North Hollywood. But that doesn’t mean I don’t see the hope in those feces…faces. And to that I say, stop hoping. If you don’t have a job now, you’re probably not going to get one, so why bother.

Statistically, nobody would be surprised if you moved back into your parent’s basement and kept eating their food. So I say, do it. When are you gonna have another chance like this? Your first divorce?

Today’s job market is abysmal. My advice to you is to borrow money from Mitt Romney’s parents and stay in school. Rack up another degree and another battery of student loans. You’re not gonna be able to get a job, so you might as well keep learning. And maybe the bank will learn a lesson when you can’t pay back any of their usurious loans.

In closing, I want you question everything you’ve been told in school. But do not question me. It is quite possible you have been lied to, indoctrinated, usurped, taught, tamed, torn, trained, tricked, broken, educated and diverted from your true nature. What if your teachers were wrong? What if they were, in fact, insane?

Congratulations, Class of 2012. Your parents are proud of you. They’re glad to finally get rid of you. Hopefully.

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