Well, the Democratic convention is over, and they win. And
while President Obama didn’t
sing, like I was hoping he would, he didn’t have to. The DNC had a much better talent booker
than the RNC. Hollywood was in the DNC house! Why couldn't my agent get
me a gig as a DNC delegate? I think most of the delegates there were
probably represented by Rahm Emanuel's
brother, the Hollywood agent. Not me. Scarlet Johansson made a speech. I'd
listen to her even if she was just talking to an empty chair.
The Democrats had some top acts. The Republicans couldn’t
even license music. The artists didn’t want royalties from royalists. The best
the Republicans could do was hire G.E. Smith and his cover band, which was good
because they needed the work. There aren’t too many high school mixers when
school is out. Listening to the Republican convention was like listening to a YouTube
video where the original music was removed because of copyright violation and replaced
by something in the public domain. Even Chris Christie’s favorite singer. Bruce Springsteen was heard at the DNC, but
not at the RNC. They did have Clint
Eastwood, who I’m sure, during president Obama’s acceptance speech, was
yelling at his television.
One thing was the same about both conventions. The chants
of “USA! USA!” Apparently the Democrats were in the same place as
the Republicans. Overall, I’d
say the Democratic convention
was inspirational and the Republican
convention was full of doom and gloom, which, incidentally, is my name for Romney
and Ryan. The DNC looked like America in 2012. The RNC looked like the USA in 1950.
The Republicans seemed like the party of yesterday, it
was your grandfather’s party. “Shove it up your ass.” Oh sure, sometimes he
says crazy things, but that’s grandpa, he doesn’t know any better. The DNC had more statesmen than RNC.
There were a lot of women on the DNC stage and I don’t think any of them will vote for Mitt Romney even though Ann Romney loves women. Some of those union thug
teachers were represented at the DNC. The Vice President’s wife, Dr. Jill Biden,
is a teacher, although I got the feeling if she had been my teacher, she would have given me detention.
The DNC seemed more serious about education. Republicans
think people should be educated, but they shouldn't be so educated that they
vote for Democrats.
There was a film about senator Ted Kennedy, and by the
time it was over, you wanted to vote for him. And why not? If the RNC is registering dead voters, the DNC should run dead candidates. I’ll
bet he’d win. Ted Kennedy for Zombie President! I’m glad I didn't
play the Kennedy drinking game. There’s
more now than ever! They kept popping up everywhere. They’re like Tribbles!
The GOP didn’t seem to want to talk about their living
ex-Presidents, or their candidate for that matter, but the DNC had a major
speech by former president Bill Clinton. He wanted to talk about arithmetic,
which I was prepared for because I had just sharpened a number 2 pencil. Clinton
looked like he was having fun. For a minute, I thought he was going to announce
he was running. The crowd was shouting "four more years" for whom?
The DNC
speakers weren't afraid to talk about their candidate. I'm not sure if most of
the speakers at the RNC knew who their candidate was. It seemed like some of
them were running for 2016. I won’t vote for them then either. I’ll probably be
running myself. And I’ll ask, "Are you better off now than you will be in
four years?"
As I film this Trippitorial, Clint
Eastwood is sitting next to me in a chair. And he doesn’t like many takes, even
though this is one of my longer Trippitorials. A hologram of John Wayne will
drop by later to promo the Bluray release of Green Berets.
A lot of people thought a
hologram of Ronald Reagan might show up at the Republican convention.
Interestingly, Ronald Reagan’s hologram couldn't remember selling arms to Iran
to pay for arms for the Contras. Ronald Reagan’s hologram didn’t appear because
it’s still only 2-dimensional.
With all the film and
references to Ronald Reagan at the convention, I thought he was running again. But
no, it’s Mitt Romney. Magic underwear for everyone!
I think the overall theme of
the Republican convention was, "My betters deserve better!" And, by God,
they do. The first night they tried to strike a theme of “We built this,” but
it turns out they used factories in China.
We have nothing to fear from
this Republican Party except allowing them to finally succeed in dismantling
the New Deal. It will be a day of infamy.
There were a lot of chants of U.S.A.,
which was helpful, because I think a lot of the delegates forgot where they were,
besides Clint Eastwood.
There weren’t enough flags at
the convention. I almost forgot the Republicans
were Americans. More flags, Damnit! Of course, I’m kidding. There were so many
flags on display; I began to wonder if they were magic flags! Oh, sure, the Democrats
have flags, but Republican flags have more red, white, and blue in them. Of
course, they are made in Korea.
There were so many promotional
films about Bain Capital. I was expecting a call for a shareholder's vote.
A lot of minorities were in the
show, but don’t worry, they all had their papers.
Scott Walker was there to
represent the younger, dumber wing of the party.
Paul Ryan made a nifty speech.
Of course, he told so many lies, when it was over his mother washed out his
mouth with soap. It was Ivory soap, though, so it was 99% pure. Some men see
things that are and ask, "Why?" Paul Ryan sees things that never were
and says, "Why not say they are?"
Ann Romney opened her spot with
a prayer for property. God bless you Ann Romney! And God bless all your houses
and cars and boats and horses and…well, you get the idea…God.
Ann Romney said she loves
women, but not so much that it would be interesting. She also said something
along the lines of "There would not be Americans without America!” That’s
going right in my president act.
Chris Christie was a little
scary. Apparently his mother read him the
Prince instead of the Little Prince. “It
is better to be fat than to be loved.” Christie wants to fundamentally reduce
the size of government. First, he should reduce his size. Gluttons should not
preach about gluttony.
Rand Paul got a spot for some
reason and told the story of the Tang family, which didn’t surprise me because
"the Pootie Tang Family" was a very underrated movie. If rand Paul is
the future of the Republican Party, thanks for the memories.
I don’t mind telling you when
they played the theme from Top Gun to
introduce John McCain, I was afraid he was going to jump.
A common theme of several
speakers was that Romney made his money the old fashioned way. He pillaged it. Someone
pointed out that Mitt Romney didn't take a salary when he was Governor of Massachusetts.
Of course, he would have needed a stateside bank account to cash the check.
The Republicans are out of
touch. One of the speakers said that the poor “don't know what it's like to
risk money..." because they don't have any. Get it? Stupid Republican.
Jeb Bush pitted teacher’s
unions against kids, painting teachers as villains for wanting to earn a living
wage. Republicans love kids unless they grow up to be teachers. The Republicans
don’t like unions. “If workers didn't want to be paid, there'd be more jobs in America!"
Mitt Romney said if you vote
for him, he’ll create about 12 million new jobs. Vote for me. I have a plan to
create about a gazillion new jobs. Also, I can name, in Congress, 87 card
carrying members of the communist party. If I am elected I will create new
opportunities for creators of job creators.
One thing I noticed about the
musical acts, the Republicans couldn’t attract any good headliners. The Democrats
have the Foo Fighters and who knows who else. I wouldn’t book G. E. Smith and
his band for a high school mixer.
One of the biggest applause
votes of the three days was for a .357 magnum. For a minute I thought they
would nominate it in the first ballot! It could have run with the chair.
There was a lot of God at this year’s convention.
One of the speakers said, "God doesn't like government." Must be why
he doesn't pay any taxes. Were they voting for Mitt Romney or Missouri Jesus? God
bless God. Too many "God bless yous" at the Republican convention and
not enough sneezing. Buy My Book:
