Countdown to Victory!

Buy My Book:

"I Have A Dream"

Buy My Book:

Carlos, We Hardly Knew Ye

Buy My Book:

Hello, I'm James Tripp

Buy My Book:

Carlos Danger, Man

Buy My Book:

Actor Vs. Comedians

Buy My Book:

The Second Coming

Buy My Book:

Trippitorial - James Tripp for Pope!

Hello, I’m James Tripp, and I want to be your next Pope.

You know, my parents tried to make me Catholic, so I know what a stupid religion it is. Who better to lead it?

Now, it’s true I haven’t been to church in years. The last time I was in church, a priest tried to beat a confession out of me. That’s no reason why I shouldn’t be your leader.

I guess what I’m saying is: Give up everything you have and follow me. If you don’t have anything, then follow somebody else.

I’d make a great Pope. Why, some of my best friends think they’re Jesus.

I was born again. Now my mother really hates me. She thought it was painful the first time.

My philosophy is a variation of the Christian ideal. I believe that if a man slaps you on your cheek, you should place a revolver at the base of his skull and a blow a hole the size of a grapefruit through his cheek.

My philosophy is a synthesis of Muslim fundamentalism and Ricky Ricardoism. I believe in an eye for an aye-yi-yi-yi-yi!

I never understood why the Catholic Church was against abortion. The whole premise of the religion is a God killing his own kid. Whether God kills his only son in utero or when he’s 33 is just splitting hairs, or sons, or the hair on his son. Either way, if you’re the son of this God, you’re not gonna be buying any Father’s Day presents.

This God got his start abusing children. A guy named Abraham was about to kill his son, Isaac. He had the knife over the kid’s head. Then he regained his composure and he didn’t kill him. But it turned out that his wife, Sarah, had seen him and she asked, "What were you doing with a knife over our son’s head?"

And thinking fast, Abraham said, "God told me to do it."

And she said, "God told you to do it?"

And then he said, "But then God told me not to do it."

And she said, "Praise the Lord!" and a God was born, the God of three major religions, all of which hate each other.

What would a Tripp “Popacy” mean? I pledge to make the rich do their fair share of penance! When the top one percent are doing most of the sinning, why shouldn’t they do a little more penance?

What does that mean for the average sinner? When you go to confession, you won’t have to do as many “Hail Marys” and “Our Fathers,” or pretend that’s what you’re doing. I’ll be honest with you. I never did the penance when I went to confession. I just acted like I was praying. That way, I had something for the next time I went to confession.

Under the current “Popacy,” you might get ten “Hail Marys”, three “Our Fathers,” and a rosary. Under a Tripp “Popacy,” you’ll get, maybe, three “Hail Marys,” one “Our Father,” and what’s a rosary?

Also I will bring back indulgences, with a special deal for bankers and their politicians. You will be able to pay for these indulgences over time with reasonable adjustable rates.

What price would you put on your soul? Twenty-eight-fifty.

Sinners will be able to pay either the principal amount or a minimum monthly balance.

Also, if I’m Pope, no more church on Sunday. Why do you go to church? To listen to somebody like you tell you what to do with your life? What does a priest know that you don’t know? Grow up.

Also, I’m gonna start selling some church real estate. And I think it’s kind of weird that the church has its own country, and the Swiss Guard are protecting it. I don’t remember much about this Jesus character’s spiel, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t about an earthly kingdom.

I guess what I’m saying is if you put me in charge of this church, I will dismantle it, and isn’t that really what we should want in the next Pope?

Buy My Book:

Captalism vs. Socialism

Buy My Book:

"I Have A Dream!"

Buy My Book:

"Breaking Taboo" - December 24, 2012

I was a guest on the holiday edition of "Breaking Taboo" with Suzanne Monk and host Lakota Phillips. We pre-recorded it on December 23:

"Deconstructing Christmas, the end of talking about Mayans and a plug for The Hierophant"

Buy My Book:

Trippitorial - Facebook Sponsored Ads

So every time I log into facebook, I notice now, in the right hand column, sponsored ads featuring pages my friends have ‘liked.’ It’s always different friends who ‘liked’ different pages, mostly cell phones and during the 2012 election cycle, Mitt Romney, but those weren’t really friends, so much as bots with fake profiles, whose friendships I accepted in good faith. As a matter of fact, there are a lot of bots who happen to think I’m pretty funny.

Anyway, these ads are all a part of some kind of algorithm. So one day, I decided to become a participant in the algorithm and I clicked on a sponsored ad for one of the pages my friend, Ernie, ‘liked.’ When I clicked through, it took me to the page, and I didn’t ‘like’ it. Why would I ‘like’ anything in a sponsored ‘like’ ad? If I ‘liked’ it, they’d start using my face to try to get my friends to ‘like’ it. Never ‘like’ a page with an advertising budget. And why would anybody ‘like’ their stupid page anyway?

But then I noticed, in the right hand column, a sponsored ad for another page Ernie had ‘liked.’ I guess the facebook algorithm figured, if he clicked on something Ernie ‘liked’ once, maybe he’ll click on something else Ernie ‘likes.’ They were right. I was all in. I figured, hey, let’s see what else Ernie ‘likes.’

And then every time I saw an ad for a page Ernie ‘liked,’ I clicked it, because I figured, if me and Ernie are going to be a part of their algorithm, then I’m going to skew it. I’ll click all the ads Ernie’s in, but I won’t ‘like’ any of the pages. Ernie’s in a lot of sponsored ads, because Ernie ‘likes’ a lot of pages. Ernie never met a page he didn’t ‘like,’ except, for some reason, Will Rogers.

Ernie also gets a lot of event invitations and there isn’t one he isn’t going to: ‘Join? Maybe? Decline?’ Join! Of course. I’ve never seen Ernie at any event he joined. Maybe he’s a bot.

Pretty soon Ernie’s face started appearing in the right hand column on almost every page I visited on facebook. And every time, I would click on it. Then sponsored ads starring Ernie began appearing in my newsfeed. And I kept clicking. Facebook suggested I buy him a gift.

I kept on clicking. I figured, hey, maybe if I keep on clicking, Ernie’s face will start showing up more on his other friend’s pages too. And if they start clicking on his ads on those pages, then maybe his face will show up on other people’s pages. Pretty soon, his face would start showing up on people’s pages he wasn’t even friends with and people would be like, “Well, Ernie ‘likes’ it. Maybe, I’ll ‘like’ it too.”

Ernie ‘likes’ pretzels. Ernie ‘likes’ cell phones. Ernie ‘likes’ batteries. I wonder if Ernie ‘likes’ the page I’m on. Washington slept here, but Ernie ‘liked’ it.

I clicked on Ernie’s picture so many times; the facebook algorithm suggested I start a page for Ernie.  I wonder if he’d ‘like’ it.

Actually Ernie does have a facebook page, and I clicked ‘like.’ Maybe I’ve appeared in an ad for it.

I also have a page, and guess what? Ernie ‘liked’ it. Maybe this is my big chance. Maybe I should take out a facebook ad for my page.  Maybe Ernie is the face I can use to sell my page, because, let’s face it, my face ain’t doing it!’ My face is my business and my business isn’t doing so good.
Buy My Book:

Comedy

Buy My Book:

Trippitorial - The Democratic Convention

Well, the Democratic convention is over, and they win. And while President Obama didn’t sing, like I was hoping he would, he didn’t have to. The DNC had a much better talent booker than the RNC. Hollywood was in the DNC house! Why couldn't my agent get me a gig as a DNC delegate? I think most of the delegates there were probably represented by Rahm Emanuel's brother, the Hollywood agent. Not me. Scarlet Johansson made a speech. I'd listen to her even if she was just talking to an empty chair.

The Democrats had some top acts. The Republicans couldn’t even license music. The artists didn’t want royalties from royalists. The best the Republicans could do was hire G.E. Smith and his cover band, which was good because they needed the work. There aren’t too many high school mixers when school is out. Listening to the Republican convention was like listening to a YouTube video where the original music was removed because of copyright violation and replaced by something in the public domain. Even Chris Christie’s favorite singer. Bruce Springsteen was heard at the DNC, but not at the RNC. They did have Clint Eastwood, who I’m sure, during president Obama’s acceptance speech, was yelling at his television.

One thing was the same about both conventions. The chants of “USA! USA!” Apparently the Democrats were in the same place as the Republicans. Overall, I’d say the Democratic convention was inspirational and the Republican convention was full of doom and gloom, which, incidentally, is my name for Romney and Ryan. The DNC looked like America in 2012. The RNC looked like the USA in 1950.

The Republicans seemed like the party of yesterday, it was your grandfather’s party. “Shove it up your ass.” Oh sure, sometimes he says crazy things, but that’s grandpa, he doesn’t know any better. The DNC had more statesmen than RNC.

There were a lot of women on the DNC stage and I don’t think any of them will vote for Mitt Romney even though Ann Romney loves women. Some of those union thug teachers were represented at the DNC. The Vice President’s wife, Dr. Jill Biden, is a teacher, although I got the feeling if she had been my teacher, she would have given me detention.

The DNC seemed more serious about education. Republicans think people should be educated, but they shouldn't be so educated that they vote for Democrats.

There was a film about senator Ted Kennedy, and by the time it was over, you wanted to vote for him. And why not? If the RNC is registering dead voters, the DNC should run dead candidates. I’ll bet he’d win. Ted Kennedy for Zombie President! I’m glad I didn't play the Kennedy drinking game. There’s more now than ever! They kept popping up everywhere. They’re like Tribbles!

The GOP didn’t seem to want to talk about their living ex-Presidents, or their candidate for that matter, but the DNC had a major speech by former president Bill Clinton. He wanted to talk about arithmetic, which I was prepared for because I had just sharpened a number 2 pencil. Clinton looked like he was having fun. For a minute, I thought he was going to announce he was running. The crowd was shouting "four more years" for whom?

The DNC speakers weren't afraid to talk about their candidate. I'm not sure if most of the speakers at the RNC knew who their candidate was. It seemed like some of them were running for 2016. I won’t vote for them then either. I’ll probably be running myself. And I’ll ask, "Are you better off now than you will be in four years?"

Buy My Book:

Live Tweets From The Democratic Convention - Night 3

2:11 pm PST James Tripp ‏@thejamestripp

The #DNC has a better talent booker than the #RNC.

Get ready for #ClintEastwood to yell at his television.

3:59 pm PST James Tripp ‏@thejamestripp

Anyone else notice the #Dems are inspirational and the #GOP full of gloom?

4:16 pm PST James Tripp ‏@thejamestripp

#JoeBiden is doing his #JohnBoehner impersonation.

I'd listen to #ScarlettJohansson even if she was talking to an #emptychair.

5:05 pm PST James Tripp ‏@thejamestripp

is glad he didn't play the #Kennedy drinking game.

#JohnKerry is a flip calling a flopper.

#DNC has more statesmen than #RNC.

6:11 pm PST James Tripp ‏@thejamestripp

Chants of #USA. The #Democrats are in the same place as the #Republicans were last week.

I get the feeling #JillBiden would have given me detention.

8:06 pm PST James Tripp ‏@thejamestripp

It's #ChrisChristie's favorite singer. #BruceSpringsteen

Buy My Book: