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Trippitorial - James Tripp for Pope!

Hello, I’m James Tripp, and I want to be your next Pope.

You know, my parents tried to make me Catholic, so I know what a stupid religion it is. Who better to lead it?

Now, it’s true I haven’t been to church in years. The last time I was in church, a priest tried to beat a confession out of me. That’s no reason why I shouldn’t be your leader.

I guess what I’m saying is: Give up everything you have and follow me. If you don’t have anything, then follow somebody else.

I’d make a great Pope. Why, some of my best friends think they’re Jesus.

I was born again. Now my mother really hates me. She thought it was painful the first time.

My philosophy is a variation of the Christian ideal. I believe that if a man slaps you on your cheek, you should place a revolver at the base of his skull and a blow a hole the size of a grapefruit through his cheek.

My philosophy is a synthesis of Muslim fundamentalism and Ricky Ricardoism. I believe in an eye for an aye-yi-yi-yi-yi!

I never understood why the Catholic Church was against abortion. The whole premise of the religion is a God killing his own kid. Whether God kills his only son in utero or when he’s 33 is just splitting hairs, or sons, or the hair on his son. Either way, if you’re the son of this God, you’re not gonna be buying any Father’s Day presents.

This God got his start abusing children. A guy named Abraham was about to kill his son, Isaac. He had the knife over the kid’s head. Then he regained his composure and he didn’t kill him. But it turned out that his wife, Sarah, had seen him and she asked, "What were you doing with a knife over our son’s head?"

And thinking fast, Abraham said, "God told me to do it."

And she said, "God told you to do it?"

And then he said, "But then God told me not to do it."

And she said, "Praise the Lord!" and a God was born, the God of three major religions, all of which hate each other.

What would a Tripp “Popacy” mean? I pledge to make the rich do their fair share of penance! When the top one percent are doing most of the sinning, why shouldn’t they do a little more penance?

What does that mean for the average sinner? When you go to confession, you won’t have to do as many “Hail Marys” and “Our Fathers,” or pretend that’s what you’re doing. I’ll be honest with you. I never did the penance when I went to confession. I just acted like I was praying. That way, I had something for the next time I went to confession.

Under the current “Popacy,” you might get ten “Hail Marys”, three “Our Fathers,” and a rosary. Under a Tripp “Popacy,” you’ll get, maybe, three “Hail Marys,” one “Our Father,” and what’s a rosary?

Also I will bring back indulgences, with a special deal for bankers and their politicians. You will be able to pay for these indulgences over time with reasonable adjustable rates.

What price would you put on your soul? Twenty-eight-fifty.

Sinners will be able to pay either the principal amount or a minimum monthly balance.

Also, if I’m Pope, no more church on Sunday. Why do you go to church? To listen to somebody like you tell you what to do with your life? What does a priest know that you don’t know? Grow up.

Also, I’m gonna start selling some church real estate. And I think it’s kind of weird that the church has its own country, and the Swiss Guard are protecting it. I don’t remember much about this Jesus character’s spiel, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t about an earthly kingdom.

I guess what I’m saying is if you put me in charge of this church, I will dismantle it, and isn’t that really what we should want in the next Pope?

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Captalism vs. Socialism

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"I Have A Dream!"

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"Breaking Taboo" - December 24, 2012

I was a guest on the holiday edition of "Breaking Taboo" with Suzanne Monk and host Lakota Phillips. We pre-recorded it on December 23:

"Deconstructing Christmas, the end of talking about Mayans and a plug for The Hierophant"

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Trippitorial - Facebook Sponsored Ads

So every time I log into facebook, I notice now, in the right hand column, sponsored ads featuring pages my friends have ‘liked.’ It’s always different friends who ‘liked’ different pages, mostly cell phones and during the 2012 election cycle, Mitt Romney, but those weren’t really friends, so much as bots with fake profiles, whose friendships I accepted in good faith. As a matter of fact, there are a lot of bots who happen to think I’m pretty funny.

Anyway, these ads are all a part of some kind of algorithm. So one day, I decided to become a participant in the algorithm and I clicked on a sponsored ad for one of the pages my friend, Ernie, ‘liked.’ When I clicked through, it took me to the page, and I didn’t ‘like’ it. Why would I ‘like’ anything in a sponsored ‘like’ ad? If I ‘liked’ it, they’d start using my face to try to get my friends to ‘like’ it. Never ‘like’ a page with an advertising budget. And why would anybody ‘like’ their stupid page anyway?

But then I noticed, in the right hand column, a sponsored ad for another page Ernie had ‘liked.’ I guess the facebook algorithm figured, if he clicked on something Ernie ‘liked’ once, maybe he’ll click on something else Ernie ‘likes.’ They were right. I was all in. I figured, hey, let’s see what else Ernie ‘likes.’

And then every time I saw an ad for a page Ernie ‘liked,’ I clicked it, because I figured, if me and Ernie are going to be a part of their algorithm, then I’m going to skew it. I’ll click all the ads Ernie’s in, but I won’t ‘like’ any of the pages. Ernie’s in a lot of sponsored ads, because Ernie ‘likes’ a lot of pages. Ernie never met a page he didn’t ‘like,’ except, for some reason, Will Rogers.

Ernie also gets a lot of event invitations and there isn’t one he isn’t going to: ‘Join? Maybe? Decline?’ Join! Of course. I’ve never seen Ernie at any event he joined. Maybe he’s a bot.

Pretty soon Ernie’s face started appearing in the right hand column on almost every page I visited on facebook. And every time, I would click on it. Then sponsored ads starring Ernie began appearing in my newsfeed. And I kept clicking. Facebook suggested I buy him a gift.

I kept on clicking. I figured, hey, maybe if I keep on clicking, Ernie’s face will start showing up more on his other friend’s pages too. And if they start clicking on his ads on those pages, then maybe his face will show up on other people’s pages. Pretty soon, his face would start showing up on people’s pages he wasn’t even friends with and people would be like, “Well, Ernie ‘likes’ it. Maybe, I’ll ‘like’ it too.”

Ernie ‘likes’ pretzels. Ernie ‘likes’ cell phones. Ernie ‘likes’ batteries. I wonder if Ernie ‘likes’ the page I’m on. Washington slept here, but Ernie ‘liked’ it.

I clicked on Ernie’s picture so many times; the facebook algorithm suggested I start a page for Ernie.  I wonder if he’d ‘like’ it.

Actually Ernie does have a facebook page, and I clicked ‘like.’ Maybe I’ve appeared in an ad for it.

I also have a page, and guess what? Ernie ‘liked’ it. Maybe this is my big chance. Maybe I should take out a facebook ad for my page.  Maybe Ernie is the face I can use to sell my page, because, let’s face it, my face ain’t doing it!’ My face is my business and my business isn’t doing so good.
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