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Trippitorial - "Southern Strategy" - March 16, 2012

"Comedy Nation This Week" - March 16, 2012

Here's today's podcast with me, Laurie Buckley, Dave Plunkett and host Bill Bronner:

The panel discuss the recent GOP primaries, the War on Women, Sudan and more.

Trippitorial - Southern Strategy

I have never eaten grits. I’m not opposed to eating grits, but I’m not going out of my way to eat grits. And I’m certainly not going to eat cheese grits. With all apologies to my farming constituency, dairy is not always my friend, but that’s another story.

I don’t even know…what are grits? I know what “true grit” is, but I don’t think that applies in this situation, although in the movie, I think there was a scene where somebody was eating grits, but it might have been just mush, although then it would have been “True Mush,” and that’s a different movie altogether. I never had mush either. Is there a mush constituency? I know mush has a consistency.

Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that I don’t have a southern strategy. I have nothing against saying y’all, as a matter of fact, I just said it. It’s just that I typically don’t say it. I once said, “Blimey,” but that was in southern England. “Blimey!” It was kind of a Dick Van Dyke interpretation. But if I was to run for president, and I want to make it perfectly clear, I am not running, I don’t think I would change who I am.

Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich like to pander. Newt’s better at it, probably because he looks like a panda. When Mitt panders, you just don’t believe him. If a presidential candidate talks to you like you're a redneck and it doesn’t bother you, you might be a redneck. If you know the Ten Commandments better than you know the bill of rights, you might be a redneck. Wait a minute. That’s not my act. That’s an act?

The Republican candidates in the race I am not in have had their fun in the South and now they’re on to Missouri, Puerto Rico and Illinois. I wonder if Mitt Romney knows the owner of the Cubs. Rick Santorum, on the other hand, is not too good at pandering. He told a newspaper in Puerto Rico that if the territory wants to become a state, they’re going to have to speak English, just like Jesus.  I guess that’s one way to court the Catholic vote.

Of course, maybe his real audience for that remarkable remark was in the States. Maybe he’s not as dumb as his religious beliefs. Of course, you have to be dope to listen to a Pope.

It’s like LBJ said when he signed civil rights legislation, “we’re gonna lose the south until the 2012 election.

"Comedy Nation This Week" - March 9, 2012

Here's today's podcast with me, Laurie Buckley, Dave Plunkett and host Bill Bronner:

The Panel discuss Super Tuesday, Religion in Politics and Brietbart's last release.

Trippitorial - Religion in Politics

I am tired of seeing religion in politics and I’m not too crazy about it in churches. Ever since our money was converted to God in the 1950’s, I haven’t trusted in the government and I never really trusted in money.

During the 1950’s a new translation of E Pluribus Unum was apparently adopted by the brave politicians of that time: “Out of many Gods, one,” a Christian God. I wasn’t alive in the 1950’s, but thanks to a prohibition on birth control, it wasn’t long before I would be. Shortly after I was born a prohibition ensued in my family, but that’s another story, and one I don’t take personally.

Up until the 1950’s, America had managed to keep religion out of the national motto. Although, “George Washington, Son of God.” Was rejected by John Adams in favor of “his Majesty the President,” which I wasn’t too crazy about, but that’s another story.

Apparently, during the 1950’s, the founding fathers were born again, not unlike the way dead victims of the Holocaust were reborn as “Latter Day Saints.” I was born again. Now my mother really hates me.

Don’t get me wrong. I love Jesus. Why, when I was a boy, I had one of those Jesus Christ plush toys, you know, the kind that sticks to the inside of your car window with suction cups.

One thing the field of Republicans can agree on is that they all love Jesus and they love him more than Obama loves Jesus, and he may be a Muslim anyway. But while they’re all worshipping Jesus, they’re all worshipping a different Jesus.

Newt Gingrich is worshipping the “Sick, heal thyself Jesus.” This is a Jesus you don’t hear a lot about.

Rick Santorum is worshipping the Calvin and Hobbes Jesus. Rick talks to Jesus and Jesus talks back. “I’m over here Rick. No, I’m over here. I’m over here. Jesus is everywhere!”

Mitt Romney’s Jesus was born in America. He was the first and greatest American.

Ron Paul’s Jesus is an expletive when he thinks about the other candidates in the GOP race.

They’re all worshipping different Gods too. I have to wonder about Rick Santorum’s God. What God would want Rick Santorum to worship him? Not me. That guy is not all there. I think the doctor dropped Rick Santorum on his head during his circumcision.

I don’t know what God Newt is following, but he seems to be having fun. I’ll bet it’s Bacchus. “Lovey, I think I’ll have another glass of wine.”

Mitt is following a bunch of different Gods, or one God who changes his mind a lot.

I don’t know if Ron Paul has a God, but chances are if he does, his God would eliminate religion from the federal government. I don’t think he would trust it on our money. I don’t think he trusts our money either---well, it’s the Federal Reserve’s money. Let’s face it. And I don’t trust them.

"Comedy Nation This Week" - February 10, 2012

Here's today's episode of "Comedy Nation This Week" with me, Laurie Buckley and host Bill Bronner:

The Panel Discusses the mortgage settlement, Rick Santorum's wins, Catholics and contraception, and more.

Trippitorial: Super Pacs

I am announcing today that I will accept support from any outside Super Pac wishing to advocate for James Tripp for President, even though I am not running. This is not a reversal of position. This is a course correction. And while some may say I may have said something else in the past about some things, some people would be better off moving on to other things.

We’re not going to fight this fight we’re not in with one hand tied behind our back…backs…back. We can’t allow the people who are running to operate under a different set of rules from the people who are not running. The campaign that we are not in has to face the reality of the campaign that people are in.

While I may not have spoken out in favor of Super Pacs in the past, it is not important to note that I spoke out against them, because before you can be for something, you have to be against it. And how can you know for sure if you’re against something, if you never tried to be for something? I don’t think you can.

This is a good time for people with no affiliation to James Tripp to start saying bad things about people who are not James Tripp. You can start off by saying, “He’s no James Tripp!” What you end up saying about the bad people who are not James Tripp is no business of James Tripp and I distance myself from it. I am shocked by it, and I would ask the people who are saying it to stop saying it after everybody has heard what you said.

This is not a step I take lightly. As a matter of fact, I’m sitting down. The Citizen United ruling opened the door for more money and ad spending in the 2012 election cycle than in any previous election cycle in the history of the world and I want a piece of it, even though I am not running. It almost makes you wish somebody were saying something that wasn’t about somebody else, but I wouldn’t say that.

You know, my mother used to say, “If you have nothing nice to say about a person, don’t say anything at all.” I have nothing to say about my mother.

There are so many things to be said about so many people that people who are not affiliated with James Tripp need so much money to say them. You’re darn right Newt Gingrich is a lying, stinking, cheating methane producing poster boy for gluttony, but that’s not something I’d say. That’s something other people who are not James Tripp say about other people.

Newt wants to put a man on the moon? Somebody might say, “That’s a good place for him!” But I wouldn’t say that. I say, “Kudos to Newt for bringing the race of the races to space.” You’re darn right! We need to beat China to the moon before they build a wall around it!

I wouldn’t say anything bad about some of the other candidates who are in the race I’m not in, but somebody else would. If some other group wants to say that Romney’s not too bright, or that Gingrich is the closest this nation has come to running Jabba the Hutt for president, there’s nothing I can do about that.

It won’t be me bringing up Ron Paul’s racist past. I’m not the sort of person who would wish that when Rick Santorum was born again, he was born somewhere else.

This is not a time for candidates to be saying anything. This is a time for people who are not affiliated with the candidates to be saying things about people who aren’t affiliated to other people saying things!

"Comedy Nation This Week" -February 3, 2012

Here's today's episode of "Comedy Nation This Week" with me, Laurie Buckley, Dave Plunkett and host Bill Bronner:

The Panel Discusses the GOP primary race, the SAG-AFTRA Merger, the Super Bowl and more.

Trippitorial: Racism

There’s a Newt in the Republican primary who thought this might be a good time to bring racism back to Southern electoral politics. Racism is a funny thing---not very funny. I mean, it's not a riot, although it can be. Black people don't like white people and white people don't like black people and nobody likes the Asians.

For years, in America, white men had all the good jobs and everyone else got what was left over. Now, after years of affirmative action, some white men feel they are being discriminated against and they're starting to say, "Hey, wait a minute. We are all equal."

Humans, despite their apparent racial and ethnic differences, all share the same basic genetic makeup. And it’s not from L’Oreal. That's not to say that Mexicans aren't lazy or that blacks don't have rhythm or that the Irish don't like to drink, it's just that in general, generalizations are wrong...except for that generalization.

The best scientific evidence we have is that everybody came from Africa. And the evidence shows we never should have left. You had everything you needed there. Sure, sometimes you ate and sometimes you were eaten, but those were the breaks. And if we all came from the same continent, then there's a good possibility that we're all from the same tribe of people---except for Newt Gingrich.

And if my ancestors are from Africa, that makes me, James Tripp, an African American, and I am one crazy Nigga. It’s okay; I can say that word. Of course, that’s no reason to say it, and that’s no reason for Newt Gingrich to imply it.

A lot of people respond to racism by becoming racist themselves. The answer to racism is not to be racist. The answer to racism is to find other reasons to hate people. What we should really do is find out what we hate about ourselves, and then we can hate other people for it.

"Comedy Nation This Week" - January 27, 2012

Here's today's episode of "Comedy Nation This Week" with me, Laurie Buckley, and host Bill Bronner:

The Panel Discusses the State of the Union, the GOP Florida debates and more.

Trippitorial: Class Warfare

When Rick Perry pulled out of the Republican race, I expected him to endorse me, but instead he endorsed a Newt. I don’t blame him though. Newt probably yelled at him, and we know how mean Newt can be. Maybe he thinks he can be Newt’s Vice President. He could be the new Dan Quayle. Nobody’s would assassinate Newt Gingrich if Rick Perry was the Vice President.

Jon Huntsman was poised to endorse me, but obviously somebody got to him and he ended up endorsing twit Romney. It’s almost like they don’t even want to acknowledge I’m in this race even though I’m not.

And then Huntsman accused ex-president Barack Obama (if I get in this race) of provoking class warfare. The only thing Jon Huntsman provoked was James Tripp, even if I’m not running.

Who is causing class warfare? The people eliminating the middle class. It’s not the people being eliminated. Shut your pie hole! It’s like Newt Gingrich blaming me for him eating too many Twinkies! Shut your pie hole, Newt and you won’t get so fat! If you’re not a poster boy for gluttony, then you’re probably a poster boy for something else that may explode at any minute from a continual internal combustion of bile.

The class who benefit by exploiting another class doesn’t want it pointed out. They’d make it illegal to discuss if they could get away with it. They’d call it sedition, or some word like that that fat people say to keep skinny people from eating the food.

But I digress, and it’s a good thing too. The upper class accuses the lower class of fomenting a class war to silence them. The rich foment a class war by hoarding all the wealth. If the poor foment anything it won’t be a war, it will be a revolution. Wars are for the rich. You need uniforms. The poor can’t afford uniforms! They’re lucky to have shoes!

So shut up about a class war, because if you want a class war, you’ll get a class war. At least that’s what Rambo said…I think.

Be careful what rhetoric you pursue, you may not like where it takes you, you silly primary Republicans! Put that in your twitter and tweet it!

I’m James Tripp and I’ll be back next week with another Trippitorial!