Monday, June 16, 2014

What's Good For America



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Saturday, February 01, 2014

The Toll



FADE IN:



EXT. TOLL BOOTH - DAY



GOVERNOR CHRIS CHRISTIE, wearing a TOLL COLLECTOR UNIFORM, is packed snuggly into an undersized booth. He is talking to DRIVER NUMBER ONE.



CHRISTIE

Are you gonna vote for me?



DRIVER NUMBER ONE

No.




CHRISTIE

Are you gonna vote for me?



DRIVER NUMBER ONE

No.



CHRISTIE

Are you gonna vote for me?



DRIVER NUMBER ONE

Yes.



CHRISTIE

You can pass.



Christie raises the TOLL GATE and Driver Number One advances. DRIVER NUMBER TWO takes his place.



DRIVER NUMBER TWO

What's the toll?



CHRISTIE

Is that a Bruce Springsteen CD on

your car seat?



DRIVER NUMBER TWO

Yes.





CHRISTIE

That's your toll. I like to listen

to Bruce when I workout.



Driver Number Two reluctantly gives it to him. Christie raises the toll gate and Driver Number Two advances. DRIVER NUMBER THREE takes his place.



CHRISTIE (CONT'D)

I see you have a lot of garbage in

your front seat there. Your toll to

cross the bridge is to award the

contract to remove that garbage to

a mutual acquaintance of a friend

of this administration's, whose

name you do not need to know.



Driver Number Three nods.



CHRISTIE (CONT'D)

You can pass.



Christie raises the toll gate and Driver Number Three advances. DRIVER NUMBER FOUR takes his place.



CHRISTIE (CONT'D)

Business is booming!



DRIVER NUMBER FOUR

Hey, how come only one lane of

traffic is open?



CHRISTIE

I'm the tollbooth operator, putz.

I'll ask the questions. Everybody

answers to me. That's why there's

one lane, dummy.



DRIVER NUMBER FOUR

What's the toll?



CHRISTIE

You have to endorse me.



DRIVER NUMBER FOUR

What? I'm late for work.



CHRISTIE

You're late, huh, bozo? Well, guess

what happens if I don't raise this

gate? One lane becomes no lane. Now

do you want to pay the toll?



DRIVER NUMBER FOUR

(Reluctantly)

I endorse you.



Christie isn't sure he's sincere.



DRIVER NUMBER FOUR (CONT'D)

You have my full support.



CHRISTIE

You can pass.



Christie raises the toll gate and Driver Number Four advances. DRIVER NUMBER FIVE takes his place. There is a PASSENGER eating a JELLY DONUT.



DRIVER NUMBER FIVE

What's the toll?



CHRISTIE

I see your friend there is eating a

gelatinous jelly donut.



DRIVER NUMBER FIVE

Yea. That's right. What's the toll?



CHRISTIE

You know, most people buy a dozen

when they get donuts.



DRIVER NUMBER FIVE

That's right. We bought a dozen

donuts. What's the toll?



CHRISTIE

The rest of those donuts. I just

finished my workout.



DRIVER NUMBER FIVE is dumbfounded. He reluctantly gives Christie the BOX OF DONUTS.



CHRISTIE (CONT'D)

You can pass.



Christie raises the toll gate and Driver Number Five advances. DRIVER NUMBER SIX takes his place. He hands Christie a piece of paper.



CHRISTIE (CONT'D)

I haven't told you what the toll

is.



DRIVER NUMBER SIX

That's a subpoena. You should read

it.



Christie opens the notice and reads it.



CHRISTIE

You must be an idiot to serve this

to me.



Christie lowers a gate behind Driver Number Six's car.



CHRISTIE (CONT'D)

Now do you see what you've done?

You made me close the whole bridge.

This is on you. Everybody's gonna

know it was you! And I was gonna

give you a donut.



Christie leaves the booth, closes the door, remembers something, opens the door, gets the donuts, closes the door and places a SIGN on it that says: "Bridge Closed." Driver Number Six is left trapped in his car, unable to move.



FADE TO BLACK.







   

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Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Live Tweets from the State of the Union




will live tweet the #StateoftheUnion.



wants a higher #minimumwage for #tweeting. #SOTU



thinks the #redcarpet at the #StateoftheUnion is boring. #HarryReid's gown is off-the-rack.



#FirstLady gets applause for walking down stairs. This is an easy crowd. #SOTU



"If you like the #stateoftheunion, you can keep it!" #SOTU



hopes #POTUS has hand sanitizer. #SOTU



wonders if #POTUS is making these stories up. #SOTU



"This chamber speaks with one voice," if the voice belongs to #Sybil. #SOTU



when governing, size matters. #SOTU



suddenly feels under a great deal of pressure to have hopes and aspirations. #SOTU


"The wages of sin are not enough, so I'm organizing a #union." #SOTU #livingwage #minimumwage



has never been in-sourced from a broad. #SOTU


#POTUS had me at "patent litigation." #SOTU



"Yes, we did." #POTUS must be running for ex-President. #SOTU



has a feeling #Congress will build a wall around #ImmigrationReform. #SOTU



predicts #Congress will extend #unemployment benefits or they will collect them after the #midterms. #SOTU



would also like a day off. #SOTU



will raise a glass to a raise. #SOTU



#MYIRA will be represented by #SinnFĂ©in. #SOTU



"The privacy of ordinary people is not being compromised." --#POTUS What if you're extraordinary? #SOTU



thinks his #wages feel more minimum already. #SOTU


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