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Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Monday, March 04, 2013
Now that the Pope has been paroled, I am ready to hear his confession, especially if his sin involves his red Prada shoes. I bet Jesus would have looked great in red Prada shoes---“What the well dressed messiahs are wearing…”
It makes you wonder what the crucifix would have looked like if Gucci had designed that little loin cloth that they always depict Jesus wearing.
Anyway, the fun part about hearing a confession is assigning penance, and I don’t think Emeritus is going to like his.
The first time I went to confession, I was about six years old. You’re not supposed to have your first confession until you’re seven years old, but I was visiting an aunt who figured, “If I’m going to confession, you’re going too.” She must have spotted the darkness in my soul.
So I went into the confession booth, and I didn’t know the routine, and the priest yelled at me because I told him I hadn’t committed any sins. “You didn’t commit any sins?” He said I was wasting his time. “Don’t come back until you’ve sinned!”
If I’d known I was going to confession, I would have prepared better. Maybe I could have stolen some candy or told one of my teachers to fuck off. Maybe I should have told the priest to fuck off so I’d have a good sin to confess for my “official” first confession.
Anyway, he gave me a penance, even though I hadn’t done anything. “Say four Hail Marys and two Our Fathers.” Yea, I’ll rattle those right off, Padre.
When I was a kid, the sin I usually came up with when I went to confession was that I was disobedient to my parents. Not really a sin in my book, but it kept the priest happy. They loved this one. It was one of the Commandments.
The Ten Commandments came in handy if you couldn’t think of anything to say in confession. “Yea, this week I was coveting my neighbor’s wife and his daughter.” That second part always confused the priest, because technically, it really wasn’t part of the Commandment. But I think it’s implied. Because I think the Commandments assume you’re married and you shouldn’t be looking at anybody---unless your wife is a hundred years old and you want a kid; then you can have sex with your maid.
You have to read the Ten Commandments in context. “Obey thy father and mother.” Who wrote that? A father. Nice try.
Moses was like the David Letterman of his day: “From the home office on Mount Sinai, I am now holding in my hand the top ten list of things though shalt not do. Ladies and gentlemen, these are things though shall not do.”
What is a sin? Somebody else’s idea of what you shouldn’t do? Is it just a way to try to implement institutional control? Like comedy, sin is subjective, especially if you’re the Pope. “Well, it’s not a sin if I do it.” This is why I’d make a good Pope. Sin involves judgment, and isn’t that a sin? Stupid Pope. Stupid Catholic Church.
Now that the Pope is no longer Pope, that means he’s no longer infallible, which leaves only me. Don’t forget to vote for James Tripp for Pope. And hey, if I win---Pope Party!
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Friday, February 22, 2013
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Hello, I’m James Tripp, and I want to be your next Pope.
You know, my parents tried to make me Catholic, so I know what a stupid religion it is. Who better to lead it?
Now, it’s true I haven’t been to church in years. The last time I was in church, a priest tried to beat a confession out of me. That’s no reason why I shouldn’t be your leader.
I guess what I’m saying is: Give up everything you have and follow me. If you don’t have anything, then follow somebody else.
I’d make a great Pope. Why, some of my best friends think they’re Jesus.
I was born again. Now my mother really hates me. She thought it was painful the first time.
My philosophy is a variation of the Christian ideal. I believe that if a man slaps you on your cheek, you should place a revolver at the base of his skull and a blow a hole the size of a grapefruit through his cheek.
My philosophy is a synthesis of Muslim fundamentalism and Ricky Ricardoism. I believe in an eye for an aye-yi-yi-yi-yi!
I never understood why the Catholic Church was against abortion. The whole premise of the religion is a God killing his own kid. Whether God kills his only son in utero or when he’s 33 is just splitting hairs, or sons, or the hair on his son. Either way, if you’re the son of this God, you’re not gonna be buying any Father’s Day presents.
This God got his start abusing children. A guy named Abraham was about to kill his son, Isaac. He had the knife over the kid’s head. Then he regained his composure and he didn’t kill him. But it turned out that his wife, Sarah, had seen him and she asked, "What were you doing with a knife over our son’s head?"
And thinking fast, Abraham said, "God told me to do it."
And she said, "God told you to do it?"
And then he said, "But then God told me not to do it."
And she said, "Praise the Lord!" and a God was born, the God of three major religions, all of which hate each other.
What would a Tripp “Popacy” mean? I pledge to make the rich do their fair share of penance! When the top one percent are doing most of the sinning, why shouldn’t they do a little more penance?
What does that mean for the average sinner? When you go to confession, you won’t have to do as many “Hail Marys” and “Our Fathers,” or pretend that’s what you’re doing. I’ll be honest with you. I never did the penance when I went to confession. I just acted like I was praying. That way, I had something for the next time I went to confession.
Under the current “Popacy,” you might get ten “Hail Marys”, three “Our Fathers,” and a rosary. Under a Tripp “Popacy,” you’ll get, maybe, three “Hail Marys,” one “Our Father,” and what’s a rosary?
Also I will bring back indulgences, with a special deal for bankers and their politicians. You will be able to pay for these indulgences over time with reasonable adjustable rates.
What price would you put on your soul? Twenty-eight-fifty.
Sinners will be able to pay either the principal amount or a minimum monthly balance.
Also, if I’m Pope, no more church on Sunday. Why do you go to church? To listen to somebody like you tell you what to do with your life? What does a priest know that you don’t know? Grow up.
Also, I’m gonna start selling some church real estate. And I think it’s kind of weird that the church has its own country, and the Swiss Guard are protecting it. I don’t remember much about this Jesus character’s spiel, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t about an earthly kingdom.
I guess what I’m saying is if you put me in charge of this church, I will dismantle it, and isn’t that really what we should want in the next Pope?
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