Sunday, December 19, 2010
Thursday, December 09, 2010
Wednesday, December 08, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
Friday, October 01, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
I am bringing a new lemon fresh pledge to America! It will be a new governing agenda for Americans, by Americans to exclude non-Americans and some Americans. It is an agenda built on the priorities and principals of the founding fathers:
1. I plan to chop down a cherry tree and tell my father it was the Democrats.
4. Taxes shall be apportioned by adding to the whole number of free persons, including those bound to service for a term of years, probably in television, and excluding Indians not taxed, three fifths of all other persons.
2. The government shall not infringe on the right of the people to own a musket.
7. I will expand our agrarian economy by opening up more public lands for farming…hemp farming. We have to write the new Constitution on something.
3. The Congress shall assemble only once in every year and such meeting shall be in December on the last Tuesday.
6. Congress will have to work on July 4th. Only Congress would celebrate the hard work of the founding fathers by taking the day off!
5. Any person held to service or labour in one state, escaping into another, shall be delivered up on claim of the party to whom such service or labour may be due, probably Goldman Sachs.
9. The enumeration in the Constitution of certain rights shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people. No joke there.
10. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over these States.
27. Repeal the Constitution. It was passed by a liberal Congress.
0. I will burn witches.
This is my pledge to America!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Saturday, September 04, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
If only the results of that election were different. America would be more American than it is today.
The concession speech:
The David Feldman Comedy Podcast with guest Paul Goebel
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
My young Republican friend was proud of the fact that he had been with Bush since the beginning. In fact, he had a pin that indicated that he was part of the three percent club. He had been with Bush since he was at three percent in the polls. This didn’t impress me. It just indicated that his father worked for the Company.
As Bush entered the hall I approached him. He was surrounded by six men in black. I said, “Mr. Bush, my class is having a candy sale to raise money. Would you like to buy a chocolate crunch bar?”
He said, “Get me on the way out, Kid.”
This was not a Frank Capra movie from the 1930s and yet he called me “Kid.” This did not bode well for his campaign.
I’m sure he made some speech that I wasn’t very interested in and then he made the mistake of leaving the way he came in and I was waiting for him. No doubt after this day a new security protocol was implemented to anticipate the need for at least one alternative exit, but on this day the old 1930s brush off just didn’t work. As Mr. Bush approached I called out to him again: “Hey Mr. Bush, remember me? I’m the Kid whose class is having a candy sale. Would you like to buy a chocolate crunch bar?”
And he said, “How much is the chocolate crunch bar?”
I said, “Fifty cents.”
And he said, “I’ll take two.”
Six Secret Service guys whipped out one dollar bills from I’m not sure where. There were six one dollar bills outstretched to me. I made a note to only sell to people with Secret Service details in the future.
I should have snatched the six dollars, but before I could, Bush said, “No, I’ll buy it.” The Secret Service put away their money. It disappeared just as mysteriously as it had appeared. I lost six other sales.
When Bush opened his wallet he had three one dollar bills. He gave me one. I gave him two chocolate crunch bars. He said, “That’s the first vote I ever had to buy.”
And the beauty is, I never voted for him.
It’s like one of my other friends said to a guy from Harvard when we were at the bar who asked us, “Do you support Bush?”
My friend said, “We support whatever’s in the cooler.”
Buy The Hierophant:
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Filmed March 23, 2010 at The Fake Gallery in Los Angeles, CA under a SAG Internet Program Performer Contract. © 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
There are a lot of rumors flying around since Jerry Brown announced that he was running for Governor, some I didn’t even start. A lot of people are asking me what I’m going to do. The first thing I’m going to do is deny that I am a candidate for the office of Governor of California. Then I’m going to hold a press conference, but I won’t be taking any questions and there won’t be any press. Maybe I’ll just issue a statement. Maybe this is it.
Now, I don’t have a lot of money like some of the candidates in this race, but I do have a lot of hair unlike some of the other candidates in this race. Does that mean I’d be a great Governor? Maybe. I certainly wouldn’t be the worst thing that ever happened to Cal-i-fornia. Does that mean I should run? Maybe.
Recently, a group of individuals approached me when I was at the Grove to urge me to answer the call to run for Governor. My first reaction was to say no. It’s a good thing I knew they were going to ask me that question. The truth is I haven’t decided yet what I’m going to do.
While the office of the Governor of California is an attractive one and I do need a job, it is not the kind of race one enters without great deliberation. But ultimately, if it’s something the voters of California want me to do, then it will be something I must do.
Some people want to auction off the office of the Governor of California. They think it should go to the highest bidder. Well, I want to put in a bid---not one thin nickel. And then I’m going to close the bidding.
I happen to be one of those Californians who think that maybe it’s time to put someone in office who hasn’t bought it. I happen to be one of those Californians who doesn’t have the money to buy it.
Jerry Brown says, “I’ll be back.” We’ve heard that before! Jerry Brown would make a good Governor---in 1975. Californians don’t want experience. That’s the past. They want change! That’s why a lot of Californians have started to collect bottles.
Anybody can spend a lifetime in public service. That’s easy. How many other candidates have spent a lifetime telling dick jokes under a disco ball? That’s the kind of experience that the other folks in this race just don’t have.
Anyone who ever spent time in Sacramento knows that it is a house divided. Both sides say, “Do it my way, or we won’t do it at all.” If I decide to enter this race and you send James Tripp to Sacramento, we’ll do it your way. If you want your politics without pickles, that’s the way you’re going to get it!
The Republicans want to cut taxes even though the state is on the verge of bankruptcy. It’s a bad idea, but if that’s the tea you’re drinking, then James Tripp will drink it too. I’ll take you one better, if I decide to run for Governor and win, no taxes until 2014! We’ll let the next Governor worry about it…unless I run for re-election. No taxes until 2018!
In an effort to appeal to Palin voters, if I decide to run and I am elected, I pledge to resign my office before I can be sworn in. I have never been a quitter. To leave office before my term is completed is opposed to every instinct in my body, but to leave office before my term begins…that’s a horse of a different color, especially if there are gift baskets. I would really like the gift baskets, not for myself, but for my campaign committee.
The time for yesterday is past. The time for tomorrow is today. I may not have all the answers, but I have the questions. I may not have all the questions. People in this State want to know about the things they want to know about and I certainly do. This is not a time to rest. It is a time to do whatever that thing is that is the opposite of resting.
I do not claim to know the specifics of every issue. I’m an average person just like an average person. I feel that the less I know, the better I can represent the California voters…if I decide to run.
California is Tripp country. There’s so much left to do with the work we have not yet begun.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
James is introduced by Troy Conrad. Filmed February 23, 2010 at The Fake Gallery in Los Angeles, CA under a SAG Internet Program Performer Contract. © 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
James Tripp, Laurie Buckley, Johnny Dam, Pat Devine and host Bill Bronner discuss "Capitalism and Democracy; Is it Time for Class Warfare?" Filmed February 9, 2010 at The Fake Gallery in Los Angeles, CA under a SAG Internet Program Performer Contract. © 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Filmed January 19, 2010 at The Fake Gallery in Los Angeles, CA under a SAG Internet Program Performer Contract. © 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
James Tripp, Dan Barton, Laurie Buckley, Mike Guido, Tere Joyce, January Thomas, and host Sean Green give their takes on "This Week." Filmed January 12, 2010 at The Fake Gallery in Los Angeles, CA under a SAG Internet Program Performer Contract. © 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
I tried to pay my credit card bill online January 12th, the day it was due. When I clicked to pay, I got a warning that if I wanted my payment to be credited as January 12th, I’d have to pay $14.95.
So I called Chase Bank USA “customer service” to pay the bill. It was around 5. My Chase Bank USA customer service representative told me that at Chase Bank USA, January 12th ended at 4…central time. “That’s one o’clock your time,” she said. “You are four hours late.”
That’s Chase Time!
Chase Time is like Miller Time without the beer.
She said she could take my payment but there would be a charge of $14.95 if I wanted it to be credited that day. I forget what I said next, but I remember my Chase Bank USA customer service representative asking me not to use profanity.
So I told her that if she didn’t take my payment without the fee, I’d cancel my card. She said, “That’s your option.” She said it with contempt and arrogance. I remember that once again, she asked me to stop swearing.
The fact was that Chase Bank USA did not want my business. I paid off my card on time in full every month, so I never accrued interest and clearly, I wasn’t going to pay any fees. I’m what the credit card companies call “a deadbeat” because they only make 2% off my purchases, but that wasn’t good enough for Chase Bank USA. They have bonuses to pay!
JP Morgan Chase lost $306 million from their credit card division during the final three months of 2009. Chase Bank USA wants their customers who pay their bills to pay their bills.
Good luck, Scumbags!
Chase Bank USA operates like a drug pusher. They hook their prey with promises of low interest and once the poor suckers get hooked, Chase Bank USA jacks up the rates and lowers their users’ credit limit to what they’ve already spent so that penalties kick in when the accrued interest pushes them above their credit limit, triggering fees and a vicious cycle their “users” can’t get out of.
Bad, Chase Bank USA! Bad!
Chase Bank USA has a unique term for their customers: indentured servants. “You’ll be free as soon as you pay off your passage!”
So I canceled my Chase Bank USA card and my Chase Bank USA customer service representative said, in a threatening tone, “Okay. We’ll notify the credit reporting agencies in the next couple of days,” as if it was a strike against me, which in fact, it was.
When she threatened to report me to the credit agencies, the best I could do was say, “Oh yea, well I’m gonna tell my mother.”
Of course, my mother’s dead, but what does Chase Bank USA care about my dead mother?
Chase Bank USA hates mothers and babies and all that motherhood stands for and puppies too!
Chase Bank USA hates mothers, babies and puppies!
And most of all, Chase Bank USA hates America.
And don’t forget, Chase Bank USA was founded by Aaron Burr (according to Wikepedia, which I was unable to verify). That’s right; Chase Bank USA killed Alexander Hamilton!
How many more Treasury Secretaries will we let Chase Bank USA murder?
Shame on Chase Bank USA! Shame!
I went back on line and paid the card off in full. I paid it on January 12th; but Chase Bank USA recorded it as January 13th.
That’s Chase Time!
The next day there was a charge on my closed account dated January 12th for $39 which Chase Bank USA called a late fee. How do you charge a late fee on the day a bill is due?
Wouldn’t that be an on time fee? Wouldn’t you charge a late fee the day after, when it’s late? Maybe I ought to charge Chase Bank USA an early fee.
I know what you’re doing Chase Bank USA. You’re already trying to charge me interest on that $39. That’s very enterprising of you, Chase Bank USA. Kudos to you! So instead of the $14.95 I wouldn’t pay, you think I’m going to pay $39 with interest?
I know...stop swearing.
Chase Bank USA is a modern day Dillinger, but not the cute Johnny Depp kind. The next time you go into a Chase Bank USA, don’t be surprised if instead of saying, “May I help you?” the Chase Bank USA teller says, “Stick ‘em up!”
I called Chase Bank USA customer service again to tell my Chase Bank USA customer service representative to remove the late fee and she laughed. I believe she guffawed. I asked if there was a Chase Bank USA customer service supervisor I could talk to and she said, “Oh, he ain’t gonna remove no fee.”
And sure enough, I talked to him and he said, “I ain’t gonna remove no fee.”
She was right!
I asked him if there was anybody above him I could talk to. He said, “Nope. There ain’t nobody else. You gonna have to pay.” I had reached the end of the line at Chase Bank USA!
I told my Chase Bank USA customer service supervisor that I was a professional comedian, with the background of a reporter and former public relations man. I threatened him with biting satire, with a public retelling of the story framed ironically. He was unmoved.
So now when I don’t pay the bill on a closed account which I fully paid off, they’ll probably tack on another fee and so on ad-infinitum. Good luck collecting on that, Scumbags.
Chase Bank USA can take my credit rating and shove it up their…I know, I know…stop swearing.
So when you’re being screwed by your bank and someone asks you what time it is, say, “It’s Chase Time.”