I would like to say something about nothing that has anything to do with everything. In setting out the things I will say nothing about, I hope to elucidate and clarify the point I am trying not to make.
While it’s true I never served in the military, as a boy I did own a G.I. Joe. And while I did not follow in the footsteps of that great fictitious American hero, I do sometimes employ a kung fu grip.
Between now and the end of the 2006 election cycle, I will be curtailing my campaign appearances as they will only serve as a distraction from the real things that nobody should be talking about.
Some people were offended by a joke I made about Gilligan’s Island.
At no time did I mean to imply that the White House was an island or that the friends of Gilligan were as dumb as the people who live on the island.
When I called the President “Gilligan,” I did not mean to impugn a trademark of the Time Warner Corporation or the actor Bob Denver. In my book, the trademark and the actor are A-OK.
I now acknowledge that Karl Rove is nothing like the Skipper™, Jonas Grumby™, although he has been known to hit everyone's favorite "Little Buddy™" over the head with Jack Abramoff's hat and exclaim, "Gilligan™!" I am sorry if I maligned the Skipper™ or devalued the underlying rights of the character.
I was wrong to make fun of Tony Snow using the character of the Professor™. I apologize.
Thurston Howell III™ is no Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney has more money.
It was wrong to call Condoleezza Rice, “Lovey™.”
Donald Rumsfeld is clearly not a visiting Cannibal™ from a nearby island. I did not mean to offend any Cannibals™. I apologize.