I Apologize

I would like to say something about nothing that has anything to do with everything. In setting out the things I will say nothing about, I hope to elucidate and clarify the point I am trying not to make.

While it’s true I never served in the military, as a boy I did own a G.I. Joe. And while I did not follow in the footsteps of that great fictitious American hero, I do sometimes employ a kung fu grip.

Between now and the end of the 2006 election cycle, I will be curtailing my campaign appearances as they will only serve as a distraction from the real things that nobody should be talking about.

Some people were offended by a joke I made about Gilligan’s Island.

At no time did I mean to imply that the White House was an island or that the friends of Gilligan were as dumb as the people who live on the island.

When I called the President “Gilligan,” I did not mean to impugn a trademark of the Time Warner Corporation or the actor Bob Denver. In my book, the trademark and the actor are A-OK.

I now acknowledge that Karl Rove is nothing like the Skipper™, Jonas Grumby™, although he has been known to hit everyone's favorite "Little Buddy™" over the head with Jack Abramoff's hat and exclaim, "Gilligan™!" I am sorry if I maligned the Skipper™ or devalued the underlying rights of the character.

I was wrong to make fun of Tony Snow using the character of the Professor™. I apologize.

Thurston Howell III™ is no Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney has more money.

It was wrong to call Condoleezza Rice, “Lovey™.”

Donald Rumsfeld is clearly not a visiting Cannibal™ from a nearby island. I did not mean to offend any Cannibals™. I apologize.

James Tripp

Bush Revels in Ignorance from Stern to Stem Cell

This guy is an idiot. He is deliberately ignorant. He appeals to the lowest common denominator. He stole two elections. He is the worst President in the history of the United States. Wait…This is supposed to be funny…This guy is a Jack Ass! Wait…He’s a war criminal…Settle down. He likes to read the constitution with a black highlighter. He can’t even read. “Reading is the work of the devil!” If he were in the Garden of Eden we would all be naked. “Don’t bite into that apple!” He would leave it for the worms. Bush wants to be the Education President, as long as people aren’t educated about him. I hope he gets some disease that stem cell research might have helped cure. I better stop now.

Gold Star Added to Flag

An extra star has been added to all the lawmaker’s flags who voted for a failed flag burning amendment. And it’s a gold star! Now Senators can proudly display their flags on their mother’s refrigerators with their very own gold star! Gold stars are what every good boy and girl gets. Neato!

The Buckshot Stops Here

The Bush Administration has a new slogan---“the buckshot stops here.”

These guys are getting cocky. I guess they figured when you’ve already admitted to killing at least 30,000 innocent civilians, what’s one more?

I know what Cheney was thinking: “Why should I be the only one with a bad heart?”

They're like The Beverly Hillbillies. “One day Dick was shootin’ for some food and up from the brush came a gurgling stream of 78 year old blood---Texas blood. It’s not as quenching as the blood of a virgin, Cheney may have been thinking, but it is blood never the less.

The last time I went hunting, I was at the supermarket. I could recognize my prey because it was wrapped in cellophane.

Hunters say what they do is beneficial because it helps to thin the heard. I think we should thin the heard right now. The trouble is the kind of hunter we need for this job is already working for the Vice President. And we all know what happens when you go against Dick Cheney.

Acme Factory Destroyed

A wily Religious Coyote today blew up the Acme factory using its own devices. A roadrunner who was a resident of the facility got away.

In the explosion, the coyote was blown over the side of a cliff and fell into a gorge. It is not known if he survived the fall.

“Americans for James Tripp” to Donate Abramoff Contributions

“Americans for James Tripp,” the 2004 committee to elect James Tripp President of the United States, said today that they would be donating any and all campaign contributions from the embattled Washington Lobbyist, Jack Abramoff, to an established charity. When asked to what charity the money would be donated, a spokesman answered, “‘The committee to elect James Tripp,’ as soon as we establish it.”

Tripp denied knowing Abramoff saying, “I had very little to do with the day-to-day operations of the campaign committee. In fact, I don’t think it would be too far from the truth to say that I had very little to do with the campaign at all. I was too busy running to be involved.”

In addition to the Tripp revelation, sources close to the investigation expect between one to two dozen members of Congress and/or their staffs to be named. Tripp insisted that any positions he took regarding indigenous people stemmed from a long term relationship he had with Chief Wild Eagle of the Hekawi tribe.