The 98%

I’m a little concerned that only 1% of the 99% are representing 100% of the 99% and I think it’s time somebody started protesting about this, but not me. I’m not a trouble maker. It’s just that the people in the Occupy movement aren’t 99% of the people. They’re probably not even 1% of the 99% of the people they say they represent. They’re not the only ones getting the business from business. They’re just the ones with sleeping bags and no toilets, but that’s no reason to listen to them. I have things say too. Listen to me. I am a spokesman for the 98% of the 99%.

The only trouble is, I have nothing to say, but that’s no reason not to say anything. Long live the ninety-eight!

First of all, my landlord’s an asshole. I want to state that right off. I have rent control, so the landlord doesn’t want to fix anything. The landlord wants me to move out so he can raise the rent. “Fuck-you, landlord. I’m not moving out. Fix the sink!” The only way I get repairs done is if I call the building inspector, which I have to do every six months. I’m on a first name basis with Building Inspector Yen, but that’s no reason to use his first name.

Secondly, how come I never got on “The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson?” What, did he think he was some kind of a big shot? Is it because I didn’t have tits and didn’t blow Jim McCawley?

The 98% of the 99% have a lot more to say than the 1% of the 99%. I think I’m proving that. I don’t think the 99% are saying anything, which makes me think we’re a lot alike, but that’s not important. What is important is that we’re different.

Here’s something that bugs me---people who make lists of things that bug them. I got things that bug me too! Who needs to listen to your list? Stupid 1% of 99%.

Too big to jail banks are a big problem. I get it, 1% of the 99%. Maybe you’re right about that. The banks are bigger now than they were before the crash. That’s bad. I get it. I saw “The Merchant of Venice,” the one with Al Pacino, and I could be wrong, but he doesn’t look Jewish---maybe a Northern Italian Jew (Are there any?), but I digress, and it’s not worth protesting, and who knows, maybe this digression is more interesting than the body of words that surround it and maybe I should digress more often, but that’s a digression, also not worth protesting. There are at least 1% out of 99% of you who are not amused by this, maybe more.

My bank has all kinds of new regulations, and somebody ought to complain about that, but not me. I got a letter the other day saying I have to have money to keep an account. Stupid bank. They’re gonna lose a perfectly good customer!

Bank of America and Citibank wanted to start charging a $5 monthly debit card fee but people wouldn’t pay so they backed off. Fuck you, Bank of America and Citigroup, although in the interest of full disclosure, I do own stock in Citigroup. Fuck me.

Unemployment’s a problem. I get it, one per centers of ninety-niners. You don’t have a job. I don’t have a job either. You don’t hear me complaining. Do you think people pay me for this? They don’t. I’ve been unemployed for so long now that I had to put it on my résumé. But just because I’m unemployed, that’s no reason to get a job. Why should I go to work for a corporation like some serf when I could be surfing if I surfed? So I can buy a big new plasma TV and fancy new car and food?

Here’s another thing to complain about---but not me. I won’t be complaining. There are too many media companies. I don’t have that kind of time. With 5 different corporations controlling the flow of mass communication in this country, it just gets confusing. We need more media consolidation. News Corporation should buy everything, including lobbyists, so we can get one consistent message. I don’t know what that message should be yet, but it will be for immediate release…Maybe, “Sale Thursday!”

If News Corporation owned everything, we wouldn’t have to pay politicians so much to run for office. Who needs campaign finance reform when News Corporation can tell you who to vote for? Why make politicians collect a bunch of little checks when it’s so much easier to just collect one big one?

The Supreme Court said that corporations are people, but I still won’t visit them on holidays. If corporations are people, how do they fuck? I know how they fuck me. I don’t even have the rights to the patent on my own DNA, which can sometimes be a problem.

There are already seven billion other people in the world and only 106 of them are following me on Twitter. Maybe corporations should count as people. Then they could follow me.

Corporations are not people. They have more rights than people. My friend, Ernie, went public and he got arrested. Corporations should not have unlimited free speech rights. Just ask the Marlboro Man. You can’t. He died of cancer. Corporations shouldn’t have the same rights to free speech as people and I’m not so sure we should give it to the Supreme Court.  Maybe they ought to shut up. That’d set a new precedent. I have contempt for this Supreme Court. It was a five to four decision. With a Supreme Court like this, who needs elections?

Don’t get me wrong. I love corporations. Why, some of my best friends are incorporated! I wouldn’t want one to marry my sister. I’m thinking of incorporating myself to avoid federal election spending limits and for the limited liability because I’m liable to do anything. “Was’t Hamlet wronged Laertes? Never Hamlet. Twas Hamlet’s corporation.”

At this point, I should probably point out that I forget the point, but that’s not important to the point I’m trying to make. My fellow ninety-eight per-centers, this country isn’t a Republic, it’s a privately held corporation, founded in Philadelphia, more recently a Delaware corporation, soon to be relocating to Switzerland, but that’s no reason to occupy it.