As I film this Trippitorial, Clint
Eastwood is sitting next to me in a chair. And he doesn’t like many takes, even
though this is one of my longer Trippitorials. A hologram of John Wayne will
drop by later to promo the Bluray release of Green Berets.
A lot of people thought a
hologram of Ronald Reagan might show up at the Republican convention.
Interestingly, Ronald Reagan’s hologram couldn't remember selling arms to Iran
to pay for arms for the Contras. Ronald Reagan’s hologram didn’t appear because
it’s still only 2-dimensional.
With all the film and
references to Ronald Reagan at the convention, I thought he was running again. But
no, it’s Mitt Romney. Magic underwear for everyone!
I think the overall theme of
the Republican convention was, "My betters deserve better!" And, by God,
they do. The first night they tried to strike a theme of “We built this,” but
it turns out they used factories in China.
We have nothing to fear from
this Republican Party except allowing them to finally succeed in dismantling
the New Deal. It will be a day of infamy.
There were a lot of chants of U.S.A.,
which was helpful, because I think a lot of the delegates forgot where they were,
besides Clint Eastwood.
There weren’t enough flags at
the convention. I almost forgot the Republicans
were Americans. More flags, Damnit! Of course, I’m kidding. There were so many
flags on display; I began to wonder if they were magic flags! Oh, sure, the Democrats
have flags, but Republican flags have more red, white, and blue in them. Of
course, they are made in Korea.
There were so many promotional
films about Bain Capital. I was expecting a call for a shareholder's vote.
A lot of minorities were in the
show, but don’t worry, they all had their papers.
Scott Walker was there to
represent the younger, dumber wing of the party.
Paul Ryan made a nifty speech.
Of course, he told so many lies, when it was over his mother washed out his
mouth with soap. It was Ivory soap, though, so it was 99% pure. Some men see
things that are and ask, "Why?" Paul Ryan sees things that never were
and says, "Why not say they are?"
Ann Romney opened her spot with
a prayer for property. God bless you Ann Romney! And God bless all your houses
and cars and boats and horses and…well, you get the idea…God.
Ann Romney said she loves
women, but not so much that it would be interesting. She also said something
along the lines of "There would not be Americans without America!” That’s
going right in my president act.
Chris Christie was a little
scary. Apparently his mother read him the
Prince instead of the Little Prince. “It
is better to be fat than to be loved.” Christie wants to fundamentally reduce
the size of government. First, he should reduce his size. Gluttons should not
preach about gluttony.
Rand Paul got a spot for some
reason and told the story of the Tang family, which didn’t surprise me because
"the Pootie Tang Family" was a very underrated movie. If rand Paul is
the future of the Republican Party, thanks for the memories.
I don’t mind telling you when
they played the theme from Top Gun to
introduce John McCain, I was afraid he was going to jump.
A common theme of several
speakers was that Romney made his money the old fashioned way. He pillaged it. Someone
pointed out that Mitt Romney didn't take a salary when he was Governor of Massachusetts.
Of course, he would have needed a stateside bank account to cash the check.
The Republicans are out of
touch. One of the speakers said that the poor “don't know what it's like to
risk money..." because they don't have any. Get it? Stupid Republican.
Jeb Bush pitted teacher’s
unions against kids, painting teachers as villains for wanting to earn a living
wage. Republicans love kids unless they grow up to be teachers. The Republicans
don’t like unions. “If workers didn't want to be paid, there'd be more jobs in America!"
Mitt Romney said if you vote
for him, he’ll create about 12 million new jobs. Vote for me. I have a plan to
create about a gazillion new jobs. Also, I can name, in Congress, 87 card
carrying members of the communist party. If I am elected I will create new
opportunities for creators of job creators.
One thing I noticed about the
musical acts, the Republicans couldn’t attract any good headliners. The Democrats
have the Foo Fighters and who knows who else. I wouldn’t book G. E. Smith and
his band for a high school mixer.
One of the biggest applause
votes of the three days was for a .357 magnum. For a minute I thought they
would nominate it in the first ballot! It could have run with the chair.
There was a lot of God at this year’s convention. One of the speakers said, "God doesn't like government." Must be why he doesn't pay any taxes. Were they voting for Mitt Romney or Missouri Jesus? God bless God. Too many "God bless yous" at the Republican convention and not enough sneezing.
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