So every time I log into facebook, I notice now, in the
right hand column, sponsored ads featuring pages my friends have ‘liked.’ It’s
always different friends who ‘liked’ different pages, mostly cell phones and during
the 2012 election cycle, Mitt Romney, but those weren’t really friends, so much
as bots with fake profiles, whose friendships I accepted in good faith. As a
matter of fact, there are a lot of bots who happen to think I’m pretty funny.
Anyway, these ads are all a part of some kind of algorithm. So
one day, I decided to become a participant in the algorithm and I clicked on a
sponsored ad for one of the pages my friend, Ernie, ‘liked.’ When I clicked
through, it took me to the page, and I didn’t ‘like’ it. Why would I ‘like’
anything in a sponsored ‘like’ ad? If I ‘liked’ it, they’d start using my face
to try to get my friends to ‘like’ it. Never ‘like’ a page with an advertising
budget. And why would anybody ‘like’ their stupid page anyway?
But then I noticed, in the right hand column, a sponsored ad
for another page Ernie had ‘liked.’ I guess the facebook algorithm figured, if
he clicked on something Ernie ‘liked’ once, maybe he’ll click on something else
Ernie ‘likes.’ They were right. I was all in. I figured, hey, let’s see what
else Ernie ‘likes.’
And then every time I saw an ad for a page Ernie ‘liked,’ I
clicked it, because I figured, if me and Ernie are going to be a part of their
algorithm, then I’m going to skew it. I’ll click all the ads Ernie’s in, but I
won’t ‘like’ any of the pages. Ernie’s in a lot of sponsored ads, because Ernie
‘likes’ a lot of pages. Ernie never met a page he didn’t ‘like,’ except, for
some reason, Will Rogers.
Ernie also gets a lot of event invitations and there isn’t
one he isn’t going to: ‘Join? Maybe? Decline?’ Join! Of course. I’ve never seen
Ernie at any event he joined. Maybe he’s a bot.
Pretty soon Ernie’s face started appearing in the right hand
column on almost every page I visited on facebook. And every time, I would
click on it. Then sponsored ads starring Ernie began appearing in my newsfeed.
And I kept clicking. Facebook suggested I buy him a gift.
I kept on clicking. I figured, hey, maybe if I keep on
clicking, Ernie’s face will start showing up more on his other friend’s pages
too. And if they start clicking on his ads on those pages, then maybe his face
will show up on other people’s pages. Pretty soon, his face would start showing
up on people’s pages he wasn’t even friends with and people would be like, “Well,
Ernie ‘likes’ it. Maybe, I’ll ‘like’ it too.”
Ernie ‘likes’ pretzels. Ernie ‘likes’ cell phones. Ernie ‘likes’
batteries. I wonder if Ernie ‘likes’ the page I’m on. Washington slept here,
but Ernie ‘liked’ it.
I clicked on Ernie’s picture so many times; the facebook
algorithm suggested I start a page for Ernie.
I wonder if he’d ‘like’ it.
Actually Ernie does have a facebook page, and I clicked ‘like.’
Maybe I’ve appeared in an ad for it.
I also have a page, and guess what? Ernie ‘liked’ it. Maybe this is my
big chance. Maybe I should take out a facebook ad for my page. Maybe Ernie is the face I can use to sell my
page, because, let’s face it, my face ain’t doing it!’ My face is my business
and my business isn’t doing so good.
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