Trippitorial - "Zoos" - April 27, 2012

"Free Speech Show" - The United States, Peace Keeper or Bully?

Here's today's podcast with panelists Laurie Buckley, Dave Plunkett, James Tripp and host Bill Bronner:

Panelists discuss the role of the United States in global politics.

"Comedy Nation This Week" - April 27, 2012

Here's today's podcast with panelists Laurie Buckley, Dave Plunkett, James Tripp and host Bill Bronner:

Panelists discuss the U.S. Presidential race, asteroid mining, the TSA, Egypt and more.

Trippitorial - Zoos

When I was a kid, I went to see an African lion in its natural habitat---the Bronx Zoo. I remember thinking that the Bronx was a weird place to find an African lion, but hey, we all came from Africa, right? What was I doing in the Bronx?

All those animals in all those cages---I wondered what they did to wind up behind bars. Did the monkeys in the monkey house fail to pay their taxes on all those bananas? Were the snakes in the snake house paying for some sin of their fathers? Were the elephants in some kind of an ivory smuggling ring? They must have done something.

Last week scientists found a rare white killer whale off the coast of Russia. My question of course was, “But what can he do with a beach ball?”

I feel bad for animals. They get captured and put in a cage without ever being charged. Try to imagine if somebody did that to you and shipped you off to some distant cage---say in Cuba. You wouldn’t like that would you? Wild animals deserve habeas corpus, even if people don’t. Bad people!

Zoos do a lousy job rehabilitating animals…if that’s even what they’re trying to do. Most of them are no more domesticated by the time they’ve served out their sentence, than when they began, but that doesn’t really matter because they’re never getting out anyway. Bogus zoo parole board!

Still, you’re not gonna get rid of zoos. Zoos are an entrenched interest. If they released all the animals, what would happen to the Zookeepers? They’d be out of jobs. Maybe they could join the prison guard’s union and start guarding human animals. Of course, they’re not as cute.

Even if the animals were liberated, most of them probably wouldn’t be able to adjust to jungle society and they’d just end up right back in a cage anyway.

 Zoos are obsolete. We don’t have to put animals in cages to see them. Most people have cable.

Trippitorial - "Words" - April 20, 2012

"Free Speech Show" - Marijuana

Here's today's podcast with panelists Laurie Buckley, Dave Plunkett, James Tripp and host Bill Bronner:

Panelists discuss Marijuana

"Comedy Nation This Week" - April 20, 2012

Here's today's podcast with panelists Laurie Buckley, Dave Plunkett, James Tripp and host Bill Bronner:

Panelists discuss the War On Women, Citibank, Argentina's natinalization of YPF and more,

Trippitorial - Words

I don’t trust words or the people who use them. Nobody ever lied to me before I could speak. I should never have listened.

When you’re a baby, you can get a lot more by crying than by using complete sentences. Of course, it’s a simpler world with simpler wants. You either want to eat or evacuate what you’ve eaten. And only the first part requires any real effort. But once you learn how to speak, instead of people just giving you things, people start wanting things from you.

Once you learn a language, it’s hard to feign ignorance, unless you’re in Congress. The only reason my parents taught me to speak was so they could say, “eat your broccoli!” And I’d know what they mean. Before I had a facility with words, a perfectly acceptable answer was “Ba ba ba.” But as soon as you use words like, “I don’t like broccoli,” it sets up a confrontation, especially if you say it like that. I blame words.

Before I could speak, a simple facial expression could communicate, “Do I look like I like broccoli?” Of course, the same expression could indicate a buildup of gas, which broccoli can exasperate. That’s still no reason to use words. Why do you think that swear words are always the first words that kids want to learn in a new language? Because that’s what words do to you. The first thing you want to learn how to say is, “Fuck!”

Parents teach you how to speak to try to convince you that their view of reality is the correct one. People who already speak have stopped listening to them so they’ll talk to you until you stop listening, which will probably be sometime soon after you understand what they’re saying.

Once they have you listening, it isn’t long before they have you believing in Santa Claus and God and that the United States is a democracy. Do you really think you’d believe in Santa Claus if they didn’t use words to lie to you? It’s not like you’d be walking down the street one day and suddenly think, “Hey, I’ll bet there’s some fat, old guy in a red suit who’s going to climb down my chimney in the dead of a cold, dark winter’s night. Maybe I should call the police.”

Words. Who needs them? Next time you think, don’t use words. How would you think if you didn’t use words? How would you communicate? Maybe we’d develop telepathic powers if people would just shut up. Nobody would have to talk. Everybody would know what everyone else was thinking--- not much.

Trippitorial - "The War On Women" - April 13, 2012

"Free Speech Show" - The War On Drugs

Here's today's podcast with panelists Laurie Buckley, Dave Plunkett, James Tripp and host Bill Bronner:

Panelists discuss the War On Drugs

"Comedy Nation This Week" - April 13, 2012

Here's today's podcast with panelists Laurie Buckley, Dave Plunkett, James Tripp and host Bill Bronner:

Panelists discuss the 2012 election, ALEC, the War on Women, and Communists!

Trippitorial - The War on Women

Men bother me. If I’ve learned anything from women, it’s that men are pigs, especially when they hold erected office.

Why do some men want to tell all women what to do with their bodies, especially when these are the very men that most women don’t want anywhere near their bodies? Most of these men wouldn’t know what to do with a woman’s body. They don’t even know how to touch themselves, which would be a sin in their church if they did, especially if they did it in their church.

A man telling a woman what to do with her body is like a priest giving marriage counseling. Those who can’t do, preach.

It’s always stupid people who think they’re smarter than everyone else. These people think they know better than you do what you should do. It’s people who do what they’re told to do that want to tell you what to do. “I’m doing what I was told to do! You should too!”

These are the types of people who, when they were kids, ran home screaming and crying, “Mommy, he’s not following the rules!” That’s because he’s not a sucker. They’re not his rules. They’re not even your rules. They’re somebody else’s rules written to control you and you’re letting them control you. Sucker. And now you want to write some rules to control somebody else, you big bully!

I have nothing against the religion that most of these erected politicians follow except that most of them follow the religion. I’m not a big fan of followers. Religions are usually misogynistic with sex laws that are thousands of years old that pre-date birth control and feminism. Religious rules want to lock you into a marriage and they want you to have as many kids as you can to make the religion bigger.

If that’s what you want to do, that’s what you should do. If you don’t want to drink or smoke or have sex, that’s great, don’t. Me, I’m gonna do all those things. In fact, I’m probably going to do all those things with your daughter.

But that’s not the point I’m trying to make.  The point I’m trying to make is that just because the Declaration of Independence says, “All men are created equal,” it doesn’t mean these erected politicians should get cocky.

Anyway, the Declaration of Independence was written on hemp and that can’t be good. And most of these suckers never read it anyway. Another document most of them never read that was also written on hemp is the Constitution, the blunt that can be amended.

Remember the Equal Rights Amendment? Remember how it almost passed? They did a pretty good job defeating it when there was no internet or social media, but how do you think they’d fair today if women made passage of an Equal Rights Amendment part of the 2012 election? I think it’s a war they would lose.

Of course, women shouldn’t take this war too personally. These same pricks also want to tell men what they can do with their bodies. “Don’t smoke this, and don’t drink that and why would you want to put a needle in your arm?” Well, why wouldn’t you want to put a needle in your arm? Maybe I’m getting off the point.

Here’s a good thing to consider if you ever find yourself in a state house or Congress: if you don’t have a uterus, you don’t get to make laws about them.

Trippitorial - "Editorials" - April 6, 2012

"Free Speech Show" - Spirituality

Here's today's podcast with me, Laurie Buckley, Dave Plunkett and host Bill Bronner:

 Panelists discuss spirituality and their religious upbringings.

"Comedy Nation this Week" - April 6, 2012

Here’s today’s podcast with me, Laurie Buckley, Dave Plunkett and host Bill Bronner:

Panelists discuss strip searches, CISPA, cell phone tracking, Oaksterdam and more.

Trippitorial - Editorials

I am so tired of people who write editorials. Every week they whine on and on about what they believe and they think that’s what you should believe and if you don’t believe what they believe then you’re an idiot, when all along they’re the idiot.

Who do these people think they are? And why would anybody listen to them? I hope you’re listening.

You don’t see me giving my opinion…unless you’re watching this. And you don’t hear me give my opinion unless you’re listening.

Nobody wants to hear anybody else's opinion. When’s the last time you woke up and thought, “Gee, I wonder what somebody else is thinking?”

Probably never. In fact, most people woke up this morning hoping the person sleeping next to them would just shut-up.

Sure, maybe you have an opinion. Does that mean I want to hear it? No.

Maybe I have an opinion. Does that mean you want to hear it? Of course not.

What do you care what I think? You don’t care what I think? What do I care?

What do I care what you think? If you were thinking, you wouldn’t be listening to me hoping I’d tell you what to think.

Maybe you’re not even listening. How do I know there’s anybody out there? Maybe I’m talking into a microphone for no reason. Maybe somebody ought to write an editorial about that!

What makes somebody think that other people want their opinions? I can’t think of what makes them think that. Maybe that’s something I ought to think about.