Plan for Victory

“We have finally achieved peace with honor.”

---Richard Nixon

1. Invade Afghanistan since that’s where the bad men are.
2. Carpet bombing of Cambodia.
3. Look for but don’t find Osama bin Laden.
4. Carpet bombing of Cambodia.
5. Use American military to further my own political ambitions.
6. Carpet bombing of Cambodia.
7. Invade Iraq because that’s where the bad man is.
8. Carpet bombing of Cambodia.
9. Declare “Mission Accomplished!” on an aircraft carrier.
10. Carpet bombing of Cambodia.
11. Weaken American military preparedness.
12. Carpet bombing of Cambodia.
13. The Vietnamization of Iraqi troops.
14. Carpet bombing of Cambodia.
15. Come up with a plan.

Mea Culpa

In my heart I am innocent, though in reality, I am guilty.

Over a period of time, payments were made to me in return for my influence over Pentagon spending. For that I am sorry.

It’s true that I received $525,000 to pay off a second mortgage on my house. Sorry.

I received an additional $200,000 for a down payment on a Washington area condominium. So sorry.

I was given use of a $140,000 boat which its owner re-christened the “Tripp-Stir.” Sorry about that.

I received $32,508 to buy and repair a Rolls Royce. Sorry.

Someone paid $4,631 for me to spend a weekend at the Greenbrier resort. I don’t know how that happened. Sorry.

Another kind individual spent $2,081 on a graduation party for my daughter. I’m really sorry. Please believe me. I don't even have a daughter. I'm sorry about that.

Part of my plea deal included this public reckoning and apology. I’m sorry that happened.

I got caught and I'm going to jail. I’m really, really sorry.

American Public Pardons White House Turkeys

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, the American Public today pardoned Marshmallow and Yam for lying to them since September 11, 2001 and for usurping the democratic process to seize power.

“They came to office through deceit and guile,” said one citizen. “But come on, stop lying, stop making money for your friends and get the boys home.”

“In a democracy, everyone gets the leadership they deserve,” said another unconcerned American, “but this is ridiculous.”

“I like dark meat,” said a passerby on Pennsylvania Avenue, “but these birds are a little gamey.”

When asked if it was prudent to pardon a couple of turkeys who led us into war with forged intelligence, a spokesman for the people said, “I don’t think the President was operating from bad intelligence. I think he was operating from no intelligence.”

President Cheney Annexes Austria and the Sudetenland

With renewed calls to accelerate the withdrawal of American troops from Iraq, President Dick Cheney today outlined plans to annex Austria and the Sudetenland and warned that aggression from Poland would not be tolerated.

Noting that Austria and the Sudetenland are “hotbeds of terrorist activity,” the President said that the United States had no choice but to take pre-emptive action. “We are closely monitoring the developing situation in Poland,” he said.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair announced the signing of an Anglo-American accord “as symbolic of the desire of our two peoples… [to bring] peace in our time.”

President Cheney said, “The Prime Minister is a good man. He’s a friend of mine. We’re colleagues. He’s right on this thing. I agree with the Prime Minister and believe this accord will serve the best interests of this nation.”

Energy Policy For Sale

The Washington Post reported that executives from several oil companies met with Vice President Dick Cheney’s energy task force in 2001, according to White House documents. I’m shocked---shocked that the Vice President’s office would document this.

How were these same executives then expected to testify before a joint hearing last week of the Senate Energy and Commerce committees under oath? Republican Commerce Chairman Ted Stevens had the perfect solution---don’t make them swear an oath to tell the truth. Why didn’t I think of that?

The chief executives of Exxon Mobil Corp., Cheveron Corp. and ConocoPhillips last week testified that they did not participate in the 2001 task force. The chief executive of BP America said he did not know, while the President of Shell Oil said his company did not participate “to my knowledge.” I wonder whose job it was to make sure he had no knowledge.

The energy task force, comprised mostly of cabinet level officials, was charged with developing a national energy policy. The Post article reports that many of the recommendations of the group have already become law while other points are still being debated.

During this same period, many environmental groups attempted to give input to the task force and were denied access. The environment, apparently, was not the task at hand.

It is good to see that the party of Lincoln is rededicated to the proposition “that government of the people, by some of the people, for some of the people, shall not perish from the earth.”

Sources Release Me From Confidentiality Agreements

The good news is that my sources have freed me up to talk about anything we might have talked about. The bad news is that none of my sources talked about anything of interest to Special Counsel Patrick J. Fitzgerald.

In written statements provided to me from documents I provided them with, providing my lawyer approved the provisions of the provided documents, I was released from any agreement of confidentiality I may have previously implied before things were said which shouldn’t have been said that I did not hear.

Even so, I have agreed to give sworn testimony in a deposition, although no one has requested that I do so. Amendment I to the Constitution of the United States of America provides that “Congress shall make no law…abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press…” It makes no similar provision to make no law abridging the investigation of a federal prosecutor.

While my sources have released me to disclose anything they may have said, they have not released me to disclose that they may have said anything. The conversations I may or may not have had, although I have no specific recollection that I may or may not have had them, were general in nature in that my sources generally try to get me to say things they want to say but don’t want to be caught saying. My sources tell me I’m lucky what they told me is true. A lot of the time they just make things up. These things they make up are not lies, they tell me, but they’re not the truth either.

None of my sources at any time ever said anything about former Ambassador Joe Wilson or his wife, herein after referred to as Joe Wilson’s wife. Valerie Plame’s profession as a CIA operative was never proffered in connection to any story I may or may not have been writing or as a part of any deep background investigation. Still, that’s no reason not to depose me. I was not aware of the identity of Ms. Plame, or her connection to the CIA, until it was first reported on some TV station reporting on what Robert Novak had reported. Some of my sources were watching TV with me at the time, although they have not freed me to talk about that.

The Governor’s Propositions

Poor Governor Schwarzenegger. He thought he could circumvent the Cal-i-fornia legislature with a special edition election. Now he wants to “find common ground” with them. The legislature knew he’d be back.

It’s estimated that between $250 million to $350 million was spent on these propositions. Warren Beatty said it cost the taxpayers $50 million. And he ought to know. Why? I don’t know.

Think of all the good movies the Governor could have made with all that money...Okay, think of all the movies he could have made. Actually, he probably would have only been able to make one movie with that money. It takes a lot of money to make an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. It takes between $250 million to $350 million.

Warren Beatty could have made a couple of good movies for that kind of money. He could have made Bulworth and Reds and had money left over for Heaven Can Wait. Warren Beatty doesn’t get paid as much as the Governor does to be in movies. So he can get a lot more done with the money.

Poor Governor Schwarzenegger. None of his propositions passed. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Well, pretty soon he’ll be back to making movies. Why should Sylvester Stallone be having all the fun? While he’s making Rocky VI and Rambo IV, I think Governor Schwarzenegger should be doing Terminator IV and True Lies II. Oh, never mind. The Vice-President’s office already made that movie.

Warren Beatty and Annette Bening Can Come to My Rally

Warren Beatty and Annette Bening got turned away at an invitation only rally for Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. I know how they feel. I wasn’t invited either. The Governor was making campaign stops all this weekend and Mr. and Mrs. Beatty were not invited to any of them. Me either.

I can understand why I wasn’t invited, but what does it say about the state of our state when our celebrities are excluded from airport hangers? If Warren Beatty and Annette Bening can’t get into a party where they would have been the most interesting guests, what hope do the rest of us have? Can you imagine if I had tried to get into that party? The bouncer would have been like, “Hey, pal, I just turned away Warren Beatty and Annette Bening. What was your name again?”

What kind of a world do we live in where people think they can treat celebrities like this? These aren’t just people, they’re movie stars. These people are famous. Maybe if Mr. Beatty had started rapping like he did in that movie, they would have let him in. Maybe the guy at the door didn’t know who he was. This is no way to treat a celebrity, let alone two celebrities.

I feel bad for Warren Beatty and Annette Bening. It makes me want to hold a rally just so I can invite them---as long as they don’t bring any big signs, or the other people who were on that bus with them. I have nothing against the other people, but I don’t think they were famous. They’re on their own.

Still, the next time Warren Beatty and Annette Bening have a party, I bet I won’t be invited. I don’t blame them. After all, I’m not a celebrity.

I Have No Comment to Make About an Ongoing Investigation

Everything I have to say about what I won’t say anything about I’ve already said. I can understand your wanting to read along in the hope that there might be some further clarification of the point I really can’t make any statement about, but that just won’t be the case. We’re going through a very serious investigation and there’s no reason to investigate the investigation. If we start saying things now, the next thing you know, we’ll be saying things.

People want me to comment on the investigation, which I’m not going to do. That’s why I made that the headline. Read it again: “I have no comment to make about an ongoing investigation.” There are a lot of ongoing investigations and I’m not going to comment on any of them. There are some investigations that I’m not even the target of and I have nothing to say about them. Someday I may have something to say about something but that day is not today. I really can’t say what it is that I’m not saying anything about.

There are many things I can’t comment on and I’m not going to say if this is one of those things I’m not going to talk about. This is an investigation and it’s a serious investigation and it’s an investigation. You wouldn’t want somebody talking about your investigation if you were being investigated and I’m not going to talk about this investigation. What investigation are we talking about? Don’t tell me.

Let’s not lose focus on the things we shouldn’t lose focus on. We have an agenda of agenda like things that we must use to form…an agenda. If people start asking a lot of questions the next thing you know is that people will be asking a lot of questions. There are no answers and I really can’t tell you why there are no answers. If I had an answer for what the answer was, that would be the answer.

I hope this clears everything up. Investigations are very investigatory and it would be wrong to say anything about that. Remember, in this country a man is innocent if he hires a good lawyer. If he hires two lawyers, that’s even better. If he fires one lawyer and hires three new lawyers, he’ll probably be acquitted.

I really have no further comment about the things I won’t say anything about. At a future date I hope to issue a statement to reiterate what was not said here.

Rob Reiner Never Called

I spent all Wednesday night waiting for a phone call from Rob Reiner. He was in Los Angeles making calls in opposition to Proposition 75 and I’m a registered Los Angeles voter. Every time my phone rang, I answered, “Hello, Rob Reiner?” And when it wasn’t him, I’d say, “I can’t talk now, I’m expecting a call, a very important call.”

I have call waiting, but I hung up on everyone. After all, I wasn’t waiting for just any call. I was waiting for a call from Rob Reiner. “Hello?”

I even knew how the call was going to go. I’d answer the phone, “Hello, Rob Reiner?”

And he’d say, “Yes. How did you know?”

And I’d say, “I’ve been expecting your call.”

And he’d say, “I want to talk to you about Proposition 75.”

And I’d say, “Oh, that old thing?”

And he’d say, “This is a very important Proposition.”

And I’d say, “Of course it is, Rob Reiner.”

And he’d say, “This Proposition will stifle the political voice of unionized workers.”

And I’d say, “You are right, Rob Reiner.”

He may or may not be right, but could it hurt to give him a little positive reinforcement? And besides, if I didn’t agree with him, he’d just call back. I can’t hang around my phone every night waiting for him to call.

And what if he is right? After all, Rob Reiner has his own political advisor. How many people do you know with their own political advisor? The only political advisor I ever had was my father. His advice: “Vote Republican, you idiot!” How can you argue with that?

But Rob Reiner never called. I felt cheap. I felt used. I felt like maybe I just wasted my time waiting for him to call. I felt like maybe I’d have to read about this proposition myself. Drat!

Tonight I’m going to turn on the radio and wait to hear the commercial Warren Beatty has taped for the California Nurses Association. It’s 60 seconds long and he wrote it himself. That definitely deserves some positive reinforcement. How many people do you know who have written their own 60 second radio commercial? Not me.

Of course, we can see Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger anytime we want. He’s done a couple of his own commercials. I don’t think he wrote them, but he does have a lot of advisors.

And it’s not too late for Rob Reiner to call. I actually would like to hear from him. You see, what I really want to do is be an actor. Someday I hope to have my own advisors. Call me, Rob Reiner.